It's time

Father forgive me for I have sinned it has been 10 days since my last blog!

I have just discovered that my husband is a whore, but not the kind of whore you think. My husband is a bag, coat and tool whore. What does that mean you ask? My husband loves bags, coats and tools. He collects them. I say collect because I don't know any other way to describe the behavior. I could say he is a pack rat, but he hates it when I say that. I could also say he is like a chipmunk that collects nuts during the summer so that he can hunker down during the winter. It makes me chuckle. He doesn't think it is funny, but I do because, I mean really, what guy collects bags? Or even jackets for that matter?

These are the type of bags he has: backpacks (at least three), camo bags (2), computer bags (4), attache bags (only 1 but if he found another that he really liked he would buy it too), garment bags (4), suitcase ( I consider them bags and we have to many to count) camel packs (which are water backpacks)... the list goes on my friends.

The day after Thanksgiving my husband and I did the early morning shopping together. It was wonderful, we went to Sears and Kohls, and bought mass amounts of clothes at JC Penny's. While we were at JCPenny's hubby found 2 very nice leather jackets that were on sale. Whoopee for sales... anyway, I am getting distracted. Now, let me tell you how many coats he has. The two coats I just mentioned, two winter coats that both have linings that you can remove, so really that is like a total of 4 coats. A trench coat, a leather jacket, a two work coats (and overalls they kind of go together), and another coat that he has had for over 15 years, which really isn't a good thing.... style wise.

He gives me a hard time because I have a lot of shoes.... how is that fair? It's not I tell you, it's not.... and considering the amount of shoes I could have, well, I would say that I am doing well. I guess I do have to give my husband kudos for some of the bags. He found them in his parents mini storage so we didn't' spend money on them. Ha ha.... every time he comes home from that place I never know what surprise I might get.

*sigh*

I am not even going to get into the tool thing. That would take forever!

Oh, .
Oh, it is our first snow storm and we have to take pictures. I haven't posted pictures before because I wasn't sure which direction I wanted this blog to go, but here they are. We love the snow and husband helped the kids make an igloo of sorts. What a good man he is.

He is so cute too, don't ya think?

Christmas Caroling

Just got back from a Youth Caroling activity. Ah, the youth! The lovely, obnoxious, wonderfully spoiled youth! Gotta love them..., which I do, but right now I want to slap everyone of there faces. Rude, I know, but what is the point of caroling if you aren't going to sing? What is the point of caroling if the only thing you are concerned about is your damn cell phone? I can't stand it. I just can't. I love my girls. Absolutely love them. They are great when they want to be and a total pain in the be-rear-hind-end when they don't want to be good! There is no respect and all I want to do is yell, which as any good parent knows doesn't work just makes matters worse, but at what point do you say enough is enough?

The caroling part was fun, when they caroled, but mostly it was chatter, texting and jumping off and on a trailer that they were told not to jump off and on, and a snowball fight, which of course was started by the boys.

This should be fun right? I should have been able to laugh along with them, but my brain gets so conflicted when we are told to do one thing and then end up doing another, not to mention the fact that the people in charge aren't in charge type of people................ this. drives. me. insane...

There are rules for a reason people... c'mon!!!

Why am I so lame?

The hardest part about all of this is the fact that I once was an obnoxious teenager, full of self righteousness and disrespect.

Karma's a beotch!!!!

Writers Block

I am having writers block. I want to sit and express everything that is happening in life right now. I want it to be profound and uplifting and...well, profound, but I can't.

I had a GREAT conversation today with mfranti from FMH. She is amazing and very in touch with Heavenly Father. It was great to chat with her. It made her real.

I found out some things (that will have to be shared in a later post) that are both good and bad, and I worry about the outcome--kind of--but ya, still worry.

It is 12:37 am, I need to go to bed because I am sick, and I am tired, and I will have to wake up tomorrow and get the kids off to school, but I know the min I go upstairs my head will start swimming with all the thoughts that are up there.

I would like to write a blog about Eli Stone and addiction, but the words aren't there yet. My mom suffers, or is addicted to prescription drugs. She has been for 15 years. It isn't getting any better. The last Eli Stone episode was about drug addiction, that is why I am thinking about it.

I want to write a blog about Christmas time, but what do you say? So, I will just ramble until I get so tired that I can't keep my eyes open, so when I do finally go to bed I will just fall asleep. My stomach is having a little anxiety. Best let that go.... it makes for a rough nights sleep.

I wrapped presents today. I have a system. One child, one color, no mix ups. We will see if it works again this year. I am looking forward to Christmas with the kids. It will be fun and this year, well, they are a year older. Whoopie!

So, my feet are freezing. It is getting colder and I am sitting by my window. I think it is working, I am starting to get tired. Maybe I should go take some NyQuil, and it will help me go to bed, oh wait, I already took some Tylenol... sheesh what was I thinking? :)...

Hope your night is better than mine.

So Lame

I am so lame. For the past three days...no wait make that four, I have been reading Stephanie Meyer's half written Midnight Sun. It is Edward's version of the Twilight, and I am so lame, and it is written...well, not so good, but I love it. I am enchanted by it.....

I am 30....


How lame....

Yet, I smile when I think of my Edward....

And then, even lamer yet, I wonder what would life be like if I knew a vampire.... Okay, so seriously, this series is like Moulin Rouge. I love everything about Moulin Rouge it is vulgar, and naughty, and romantic, and risky and the music is to die for... *sigh* .. and that is how I feel about Twilight.

How lame am I? I mean really....really.... and today I really like periods............. really....!

Children

So, on my way to step aerobics today my little 3 yo says to me (and this is just out of the blue) "mom if the kids laugh at me I am going to punch them in the face."

Umm, I'm thinking anger management.

We were in the car, just me and him, no other kids around. Exactly what kids will he be punching in the face?

Thinking to myself, I remember the day before 3 yo's older brother and friend were laughing at him while he was walking upstairs to get something from the bathroom, or go to the bathroom, or something like that.

Nice, looking forward to 3yo becoming a 14 yo and coming home to holes in my walls. That's going to be fun!

Black Friday

Okay, so how awesome was Thanksgiving? Mine was pretty good, very uneventful, which is good in my family and my husbands family. We went to his parents house and had a fun time. Then, yes, then Friday morning at 4:00 am my husband and I went shopping!! Woo Hoo...

Before we got to the first store I was having performance anxiety. I kept thinking, I am not sure if I am ready to get in there and get dirty with shopping. We went to Sears first, and as we pulled up I thought "oh great, a line" and then I had to do a face slap... sheesh, snap out of it. We waited for about five mins and they let us in, and the fun began. I was headed back to the electronics for my much needed $14.99 mp3 player. I started to half walk half run and I started laughing at myself. You know, because you don't want to look stupid and greedy if you run really fast to get what you want, but I did it. I did it! Got my mp3, my docking station and lets see... ya that is what I wanted there. My husband wanted some tools and I was shocked to see how... mellow, meandering, strolling along he was. I started clapping, "c'mon what do you need next? What can I get for you? Where do we go?" I think it confused him. Funny guy. He doesn't really care if he gets what he wants or not. Then, why for the love of Pete, did you wake up at 4. That is what it is about, getting what you want and being the fastest one there.

Now, mind you, I am not the mob type of person. I think it was horrible what those people did to that man because they want to get into Wal-mart. (not to mention, I hate shopping at Wal-mart on black friday. I will pay full price for those items) I was so ashamed that my fellow black Friday shoppers did that. What does that say for the human race? How pathetic. I don't understand that. The most aggressive I got was when I was able to talk a guy out of a DVD player. He took like 50 and he didn't need them all, so I pounced.

My sister in Kentucky called to see if I was awake. Actually she woke us up because she is an hour ahead, but that's okay. She was mad I wasn't there to be a pushy broad. I was mad she wasn't here to be a pushy broad. Then my brother called at 6:30. He asked me if I was one of the crazy people too. I said "bro, I have been up since 4:00 and have already saved $571.00 on clothes. C'mon." He was to lazy to wake up. :) I need to teach them how to shop!!!

As soon as I walked into the store, I was no longer tired, not mean but aggressive, and I had a plan. It was great....

Oh, and then at 7:00 my other sister called. She had most of her shopping done before black Friday. Silly girl. :)

So, do you shop black Friday? If so, tell, tell. Do you like it or not?

Cheese Balls

My favorite food at Thanksgiving, beside the pumpkin pie, is cheese balls. I love cheese balls. I just made one with very sharp cheese, and um, um, um, it is good, and I hope it makes it to Thursday.

That's all... just cheese balls.... that's a fun word to say, CHEESE BALLS! Maybe it's the balls part that is fun... *shrug*

What do you like at Thanksgiving? Favorite food? Etc?

Sunday

I love Sunday. Sunday is such a good day for me. My husband can tell by my mood what kind of day Sunday was for me. If I come home happy and cheerful he can tell I got my fix of the spirit. If I come home ornery and yelling, well, he knows I didn't get my fix.

Yesterday we had our Young Women's Night in Excellence. We did a program that Jenny Phillips wrote. It was beautiful. It was just absolutely incredible. The theme was Steadfast and Immovable. Jenny Philips wrote a script and a handful of songs that went along with this theme. Mercies (the song below) was one of those songs she wrote. My girls NAILED it, and I mean nailed it.

The music director for our ward asked if the YW would sing in sacrament meeting. We decided since we had been practicing for this program we were going to sing one of the songs that we had been learning. Originally we were going to sing 'Like the Stars', but after our Tuesdays brutal (and I mean slit your wrist and bleed out) practice we decided our stronger song was Mercies.

So, Sunday came... I woke up with anxiety because I was leading them in the music and sometimes I reach a point where I say "Ya, okay, I don't want to do this. I think I am sick today.. cough* cough*, yep, I am I almost threw up, guess I can't go." type of nonsense, I know, weird huh? Anyway, I was nervous, we got to church practiced before church started, got in our seats and waited. It was really interesting because the theme for Sacrament was on Gratitude and appreciating the tender mercies the Lord gives us. I smiled, and kind of did a mind high five to the Lord.

The girls got up, we started out great, and bam! I mean hit a home run, sing your heart out, awesome performance. It was great. I was happy and I knew that we did good. After my husband came home from a YM's meeting I asked him how we did. He told me he liked it and then he told me that the bishop liked it, and (this is the best part) the bishop said he looked into the congregation and saw tears. Ah, beautiful! They did it! THEY DID IT! And they sounded awesome. Well, that night we did the full program and it was even better than in Sacrament.

The theme was perfect. It was about being a light to the world. About being a light in the darkness that is surrounding us, and it was about remembering to be more like Him, rather than worry about looking like her. It was just incredible. I felt the spirit so strong and quite a few parents came up to me with tears in their eyes telling me how much they enjoyed it and how much they felt the spirit..... *Sigh* I live for these moments. I just do. This is what makes my world go round. I love to feel the spirit, I love to be a part of something where others feel the spirit that was intended, and I am so grateful to the Lord for pouring His Spirit upon us.

Did I say it was Awesome!!! Those girls rocked!

So, I love Sundays. I love this high that I get. It is Monday and I still have the high. Let's see if I can make it last all week.....

PTA stupidity

Yesterday we had a PTA meeting. We had some new people come to our meeting. They were not there to tell us that we have been doing a great job. They were not there to tell us thank you for putting all your time in making the Halloween carnival (which they didn't volunteer for) fun and exciting for the kids, no, they were there to say we think Snake Bait (we are the rattlers (school name) so it is our candy shop we do ever Wednesday) is teaching our children how to steal and we are going to shut you down.

Er? Excuse me?

Yes, apparently all of the 500 kids in the school steal from their parents, or from their own piggy banks, which confuses me because if it is the kids money bank then shouldn't the kid get to decide where he wants to spend the money? Anyway, it got slightly heated, however, I was able to keep my cool and explain to her how my friend checks her chills pockets on Wednesday to make sure she is taking only the amount of money the mother wants her to take. I also explained that it isn't the PTA's job to be the police of parents, or students.

Well, still we are teaching them how to steal.

Seriously? Is she on crack?

After her and her partner in crime left we talked about the fact that maybe we shouldn't have put Top Ten Ways to Steal From your Parents, in the Newsletter. *Snort*

Oh, and for the dumb parents, we also discussed the option of letting them (mom and dad) use the school safe for their purses and wallets because the kids (not older than 10) have all gone crazy stealing anything from money to toilet paper. C'mon folks!! Maybe we should stop playing basket ball in P.E. because your child doesn't know how to make a freakin' basket.

Oh, she also said the reason why they didn't have vending machines in the Middle Schools and High Schools was because of this problem... ah hem... Excuse me, but no! Correction, they do have vending machines, and if you would kindly watch the news you would know that the schools in my county have to have a 50-50 option. 50 junk 50 health food. Really? Really? All of the kids have gone crazy stealing their parents money? Hum...

My favorite... the economy is so bad because our children steal from their parents, and they haven't learned honesty.

What planet is this woman on?

Does she volunteer for anything? No! Would she be in charge of finding an alternate form of fundraising? I doubt it! Not to mention the fact that she wouldn't run it either.

Dumb bullies. Good thing I am not worried. I have PTA bylaws on my side. What about you lady?

Mercies

In Young Women's we are getting ready for Night in Excellence. One of the songs that we are having the girls sing is Mercies, by Jenny Phillips. It is short song, but one that made me cry.

Here it is:
Will you light a lamp tonight
and stay by my side?
Will you find your way to me
And hold me while I cry?
I feel your majesty
Above me in the stars
But I feel so small
And far from where you are.

So be with me
And breathe in me
You are life
You are peace
So wrap your arms
Around this broken heart
Move in me
Lord, I need Your mercies

Will you fly to me tonight
And bring me your peace
And with your love, lift me up
With healing in your wings.
I'm longing for your strength
And rest to my soul
Feeling you near
Offers me hope
So be with me
And breathe in me

You are life
You are peace
So wrap your arms
Around this broken heart
Move in me
Lord, I need your mercies

Every once in a while I have a severe emotional breakdown. This was the week. Everything seemed all screwy. A really good friend of mine is frustrated with me. It's hard. I know... I know.. this has been a downer of a week for my post, but I will be back to normal soon, or maybe I won't. I learned something from this experience. Sometimes we are so caught up in our own strengths that we forget to acknowledge the strengths in others...that are... quite different than our own. Maybe we might do better to acknowledge that and we won't get so frustrated with people.

I'm disappointed

You know, I am really disappointed right now. Actually I am sad. I wonder what the Lord thinks of this world that we live in. I wonder how sad he is. Maybe he isn't sad, maybe I have a preconceived notion of what Heavenly Father thinks of us.

It is disappointing that more people don't understand the gospel. I know that I am no expert. I actually sometimes feel I am far from it, but I have a relationship with our Father. I know Him. I know Him very well, and that is why I wonder if he is sad too.

(I might ramble here, just bear with me) First, how cool is it that we have a black president? I would say that is pretty awesome considering what this country has done to black people in the past. This day has made history for sure. No, I didn't vote for him. It will be interesting to see how much change he will actually be able to make, but that is not why I am sad.

Over at another blog that I frequent regularly there was this post. The comments made me shudder a bit. It made me sad and almost made me want to cry. There is such a misunderstanding about how involved the church is. (If you didn't follow this link it is about Prop 8 in California). The church... always the bad guy. They don't teach anything good, they don't make us be better people, they just sacrifice people in the basements of their temples, they don't teach us about Christ and how to be better people... yada, yada, yada. That is just bull shit, and I can't stand it any more... the sad thing is people really believe this.

I posted, awhile back, my thoughts on Prop 8. I hope that I was able to portray the fact that all of Gods sons and daughters are important to Him. All of them. I can't imagine homosexuality being my scarlet letter. I can't. I don't know what they feel, but I know what I feel, in my heart, I know the plan God has for us. I don't know how to properly describe my feelings without sounding trite and appearing that I lack compassion and understanding. The Lord loves all of his children. All of them. Where ever they are in their lives. He wants us to love each other, wherever we are in our lives, and so I do my best. I do my best to love my neighbor, to serve my neighbor, but I have strides to go before I can even come a fraction of a step closer to the love the Lord has for us and the love we should have for each other. I know that.

Don't try to get into politics here because this isn't coming from a political place. This is coming from a strictly emotional place. I just get so sad when the people of the church make accusations that are completely unfounded. When they hold the church responsible for making them leave the church. Like choice wasn't even a factor... an issue I have is about tithing. Our tithing didn't pay for Prop 8 to pass. Our tithing didn't pay for the advertisement. IF you think that, go back and do some research on tithing. Not to mention choice... again.. I guess tithing is beside the point...

I am sad because as people of Christ we don't understand his gospel. I don't understand why people believe the philosophies of men mingled with scripture? I don't know... maybe I do.. maybe it is me? I don't know.. The plan of happiness is very simple. Christs gospel is simple... and my heart aches.. my heart aches for those who ache. My heart aches for those who can't/won't accept the blessings that come from the plan of happiness. My heart aches because as God's people, we aren't ready. We aren't ready for the return of the Savior. His people aren't ready. We are so full of anger and blame and hatred for each other that we can't possibly be ready for him to come down to us again. We aren't ready to feel the nail prints in his hands and his feet. We aren't ready to see the spear wound in his side, and I want to. I want to so much my whole body aches even more. The only thing we can see is blame and fault in others out of the church and especially in the church. We are making it so easy to blame the brethren for taking an amazing and very powerful stand on morality.

I am sad. This ... place that we live in... it seems to be getting darker and darker each day, and I wonder, how dark will it get before the return of the Son? How much will his people have to go through to prove they are his people? His house will be cleaned first. How I pray that I will remain a part of. I pray each day that I may learn how to become a better person. As hard as it is for me to admit, (thank you Quimby) there isn't enough compassion on this earth.

No, there isn't, and my heartaches even more.

Storm

Part II, A beginning


My thoughts are all so cloudy.
To many things rushing in and clogging my view.
Off in the distance I see the Storm
It's been hanging there for years.
As the storm moves closer, finally closer,
I can smell the rain in the sky.

Drip, drip, drop

Here it comes.
The tempest that has been circling about me
for years undefined.
I open my soul to you storm.
I am ready for your rains.

Wash away the dead inside me.
Wash away the pain.

I embrace the gifts you have to offer
No longer will I be afraid.
Now, storm, pour your rains upon me.
I am ready!

Sunday School

I'm bored! And I want to write something about church today, but I don't know if I have the energy to tell you all that happened.

It was a wonderful day in Sunday School. I really like our teacher. He says that at night, when he can't sleep, he goes through the lesson, which is of course, the book of Mormon, and gets great insight as he is reading alone in a quiet place.

So today we talked about chapter 17 in 3 Nephi. There were some really great things in there. I got chocked up and just was caught up in the spirit of the meeting. Mainly because of a comment so random, and not directly related to the lesson, but so needed.

I want to share it with you, but I know it wouldn't come out right. You might not understand where I am coming from, and yet you might... I don't know. I had a Seminary Teacher tell me once that there are different kinds of revelation. There is personal revelation and revelation for a particular calling, kids, etc. Well, then he said that our personal revelation is meant for us. It is revealed to us, and sometimes when we try to tell other people about our personal revelation they just don't get it. This is most likely one of those moments. It was personal and very needed and in fact, it was connected to the poem I wrote. BUT... it was needed and wonderful and uplifting when it came.

Maybe, I will testify to you that I know of the power of pray. I know, and have witnessed that power applied in my life. I have gratitude that our Heavenly Father gives us prayer and answers those prayers. It is beautiful and wonderful thing.

A poem...

I wrote this last night. FYI, this poem is not about me. There are some things happening in my family that makes me wonder... I have felt this way before, but now, it is someone elses pain that I feel and so I need to write....



I feel so sad siting here alone in the darkness
My paper and pen are my only friends.
My chair so stable and sure
Is my connection to the strength of mother earth.

My mind wanders through the pain
and questions why one soul can hurt.
Levels and levels are stacked upon
a single aching heart.

To much pain for one to bear.
To much sadness deep inside.
Despair and hatred led me here.
Fear was always constant on my shoulder if you please.

I do not wish to be a member any longer
of this horrible despair I feel.
But where do I turn when the light is off?
Where do I go when the doors are shut and locked?
Will I ever find my way?
Will this sadness leave my soul?

Somewhere deep inside is hidden such a key
That will bring joy to all of the shawdows in my soul.
If only strength and light would be my guide
to help me find this precious needed key.

It seems such a waste to sit here alone
with no one to share my despair.

Husbands

This post is dedicated to the wonderful men, husbands and fathers out there.

I love my husband. There aren't words to describe the feelings I have for this man in this moment. I love how hard he works for me. I love that he plays soccer with the kids. I love that he teaches them how to weld. I love that he loves me. I love that he changes diapers. I love that he will get up with the kids, especially when they are babies, and bring them to me to feed. I love that he tries so hard to make me so happy.

The other day he came home from the general Priesthood session of conference and he told me that he really enjoyed it... er.. what was that? Yes, he enjoyed it, and he said.."I didn't even fall asleep".... which is good for him, church makes him sit still and he doesn't do that often, so when he does he is so relaxed and comfortable he falls asleep, but that's not my point. My point is, he came home and told me he has some work to do on his spirituality. uh hum...what? President Monson counseled the men, to "do what you need to do, be what you need to be, and learn what you need to learn"... Thank you very much Pres. Monson... really, that meant the world to me.

My husband is a good man, he takes care of me, he takes care of the kids, and ... and my husband works hard... for me... he works hard so I can have a roof over my head. He works hard so I can stay home and take care of the kids. He works hard because he is a good man. A tender man, a compassionate man, a spiritual man, who understands that he wants great things for his life and he constantly strives to be a better man.

For all of the men out there that understand "where much is given, much is required", I want to say thank you. We as woman honor and respect you!

I love my husband, my man, my life, my lover, my partner. I love you CC!

Lazy

Oh my...I just spent a good hour looking at profiles on Facebook.

How sad is my life?

Well not to sad considering I just took an age test and it says that I am 19. I'm cool with that.. I really enjoyed my 19th year. It was fun and exciting. I felt mucho, mucho alive!!

Well, I guess looking at profiles beats cleaning my house, although, I do wonder what my husband would say to see the house in such a condition... oh wait.. he doesn't care, or maybe I don't care that he does care, in any case, I gues I am back to facebook or I could go play mobsters online... tehee... isn't my life just exquisite?

Wonderful World of Wonder!

I don't know what's with the title, it just is....

I am sitting here in my front room listening to the crackle of the fire... yes I said fire... it is 39 degrees outside. Yes, funny, last week it was something like 59 for the low. I tell you this year has been crazy all around. Spring took forever to come, summer was short and fall is just about gone.

So, I am sitting here, listening to the fire crackle in my wood burning stove. I love my wood burning stove. *Sigh* you smell that? Ummm..

This year Darling Husband and I are so focused on being prepared for whatever may come our way. He went up on the mountain with a bunch of men from our ward a couple of weeks ago. Every year our ward has an annual wood haul where they get as much wood as they can for member's who need it. He came back with a truck and trailer full of wood. Then last week we went up again when very unexpectedly my dog encountered a very unpleasant porcupine. The darn thing wasn't very happy when my dog decided to bite him, and for that matter my dog wasn't happy after he bit him. I doubt he will do that again.

Back to my story, we chopped wood today. My hubby and his friend got a wood splitter and split a lot of wood while me and my three lovelies loaded the wood into our container. It was amazing to see my kids, even my three year old, hauling wood. I used to live in Vegas on an 1/8 of an 1/8 of an acre (probably exaggerating) but it was small and we didn't have a wood burning stove. We moved to Utah and live on 2 acres now, anyway, I was so happy today hauling that wood. My 3 kids were incredible, not even a complaint, and I wondered if I would have seen them work this much had we not moved. Well, maybe not outside anyway.

So...wonderful world of wonder!!!

Have a beauty

Conference

Loved, loved loved, conference, or what I was able to hear of it. I will, in a nutshell, tell you what I liked, and here goes:

1. the talk about not knowing everything but knowing enough, especially the little girl that turned to the boy with no legs and told him that God made him special. Oh sweet, and innocent and tender.
2. LOVED! Elder Oaks talk on the appropriate things to wear in church, in passing the sacrament, and why. LOVED THIS TALK! I do not like it when I see flip flops and t-shirts at church.
3. Loved Elder Bednars talk on prayer. Oh, what sweet words he spoke on the power of prayer and how every once in a while we need to pray to Heavenly Father and just thank him for everything that we have and not ask for anything. Loved this talk!
4. Oh and there seemed to be a lot of talks on Missionary work and being prepared for building up Zion. Does that mean something more than just...well a talk? (personally, I think we are being told what is to come and ways to prepare...just my opinion...my very strong opinion).

I loved the music in both sessions. Those children singing were absolutely amazing. It reminded me of our Primary Program we had last week. It was so tender and so touching, that I really felt as though the Lord gave me direction in how to be a better mother and a better teacher to my children.

So... excited for tomorrows talks....

Time for Me

I wasn't able to go to the General RS meeting last Saturday, but I did have the opportunity to listen to it and it was beautiful. On so many levels it resonated within my heart. The one talk that I would like to discuss today is a part of Elder Uchdorff's talk.

I have been on a quest of understanding what it means to 'take time for yourself'. I have gotten massages. I have had pedicures. I get my hair done regularly, a great while back I even had my nails done, but I am a piano player and I CAN NOT stand to play with fingernails... anyway, I recently went with my Mother-in Law and Sisters-in-law to get a massage and go to dinner. I had a lovely time. The massage was wonderful, and I got to do some shopping, which was lots of fun without 3 kids, but after I left, I thought "Hum, I don't feel as good as I thought I would," and I wondered why.

Elder Uchdorff first told us women to stop apologizing for what we think is not perfect about ourselves. He explained that we are all in the same boat, but what he said next made me think about my quest. He talked about service and how, when we are in the service of others we find can really truly find our selves. That service can be physical, emotional, or even spiritual, which brings me to my next point. I wonder if pampering yourself, or taking 'me' time doesn't mean getting a massage, or a pedicure, but merely taking time to fill my/your spiritual bucket.

Sometimes taking that time actually means helping another. Sometimes it means spending quiet moments of reflection, prayer, and scripture study that fill and add to our spiritual/love bucket. Sometimes, at least in my case, it means listening to the Sunday School lesson and increasing my knowledge, and sometimes, it simply means having family prayer, and family scripture study.

I used to think that a massage would solve everything. That taking a break from the kids would make me feel so much better, but in all actuality I feel so much better when we are together as a family learning something new together. I had such a good time about a week ago reading scriptures with the kids. We were in Alma (the war chapters) so we pulled out my sons castle and little men and acted out what was happening in the scriptures. They loved it! And crazy thing, so did I. Those are the moments that feed 'me'. That pamper 'me'.

Now, just as a disclaimer, I am not perfect. My children do fight, and complain, and hit and pinch and tease each other. I get mad and yell, and...(I will say this part quietly)...sometimes spank my children, but I am trying to find ways to work through that. To respond differently and to become the best mother that I can be. These are just some ideas that have been floating around my head.

Oprah

That's it. I can't stand it any more. On Monday, Oprah did a show about sexual molestation to children and young teenagers. It is disgusting what these people do to these children. They even have material that will guide a 'new' molester. They have training videos, tools, and other equipment that help them teach others what to do.

Disgusting!!

One man was convicted of drugging his daughters friends and then molesting them during the night. One night they were lucky. One of the girls friends actually had the sense about her and locked the door. The next morning she headed downstairs only to hear her friends father yell at her friend for locking the door.

One law enforcement officer said that they found videos of a man vaginally molesting an infant. They knew it was an infant because the stub of the umbilical cord was still on the baby, which means, the baby is maybe 2 weeks old.

Evil, evil, vile devils that will burn in everlasting hell!

This may shock some of you, but I feel that molestation, rape, and the like should receive the death penalty. I don't care if that seems rude, callous, or whatever you want to call it.. they deserve it. OR better yet, cut off their penis. Cut off their arms and their legs, and their penis and see how far that would get them...especially if there is, without a doubt, evidence. Like these three girls that were on the Oprah show.

I have now recommitted myself to not allowing sleep overs. It has been a very difficult choice for me. Very difficult and just about a month ago I slipped. My 8 year old daughter got to spend the night at her friends house for her birthday (the friends that is). Not any more, it just seems better to allow, say, late overs, where the child gets to stay late, but not sleep overs. I just can't.

You know, I am still wondering what these parents thought of this man. I don't know... it seems like there would be signs, or maybe I am looking for signs in everything. How could you not possibly know? I pray hard and fervently that Heavenly Father will bless me with the ability to listen to the Mommy instinct. After watching Jenny McCartney on Oprah talking about experiences that she has had with the Mommy instinct, I was reminded how very vital and important that is to our welfare and the welfare of our children.

You can quote stats, and tell me I shouldn't make a decision out of fear, but what if this isn't out of fear? What if this is actually out of study, prayer, and thought? Maybe that is how I justify my reaction to something like this.

Oh, this makes me ill...

Evil, evil, disgusting, ... I can't use the words I want to use it is so evil...

Dream

I just got on Facebook and looked up a good friend of mine, and in looking at all her photos of her children that are much older than they were 16 years ago, I got a little choked up. In High School I was very involved in theater. Theater was my life from what...12 to 19. I did plays, was involved in the community theater, actually worked there. I miss it. This friend, well her husband was my theater teacher so that also made me think more about school. I went to college and did some (very little) theater because my social life was much, much to important.

Looking back I wonder.... when I came home from school (I only went for two years, and met my husband) but when I moved back home before I got married I auditioned for, well, what I would deem the best frickin role ever... years ago Audrey Hepburn played a blind lady in Wait Until Dark. She was amazing. Ya, I got to play that part. I still get all happy and fuzzy inside when I think that I got that role (although, had Eve tried out, I am not so sure i would have gotten it ;). Anyway it was amazing. AMAZING!!! A chance of a life time.

I miss theater. As I am sitting here contimplating my life while listening to Les Miserable, I am all lost in memories. Theater was such a part of me. What happened? I don't know.....

Are there any regrets in your life?

All better

Okay, so things are better now. Deep breath in...and out... ahhhh.

So, I work for Sally Foster Fundraising company and I get to go to different schools and get the kids all riled up to raise money for their school. Well today I went to a school in the town that I live in and I was really impressed with what happened during the assembly.

The school had two children stand up front and announce the American flag and the state flag. Then a couple of students presented those flags. After the flags were presented they said the pledge of allegiance. So, I'm sitting there thinking alright, that's cool, now onto the assembly. Not so, after the pledge of allegiance they sang the Star Spangled Banner. How awesome is that.? Ya, that was cool to here a bunch of kids singing that from memory. These kids are, at the oldest 10, singing the Star Spangled Banner better than adults in church on July 4th. I was so impressed and almost got the chills.

If that wasn't enough as I was getting ready to leave they went through the song "God Bless America". It seemed, though, that they were just learning that song, but man, the Star Spangled Banner. How cool is that?

Now let me tell you why I think that is so cool. I fully believe in teaching children patriotism, history, symbolism. I just think, when these kids leave, well most of them, they will know the pledge, they will know the star spangled banner, and some of them will know how to present a flag.

While I was sitting there I remembered the one episode of a Jay Leno (and just so you know, I don't watch him alot), the part called Jay walking, where he goes out into the public and asks random people questions about the government and America. One of the questions was, can you sing the national anthem? I don't know how many people he interviewed, but most of them knew the first five words and then got completely lost. These are adults people, adults. So, you know, sitting there about ready to do an assembly, I was feeling pretty darn good that at least someone somewhere is learning something about America.

Debate

Uggh, why are women so damn complicated? Why do we think, rethink and then rethink again every conversation, smile or nod?

Why, for the love of God, do we insist in getting so involved in lives that are not our own? And pray tell, why do we insist on deciding what our friends husbands should and shouldn't be doing? And what is and what isn't fair in another's marriage?

And, can anyone, anyone at all tell me why, why.... do we get so offended so easily? Oh, sometimes I can not even tolerate my own womanhood...which bothers me because I love being a female, but I hate all the s...h...i.. that comes with it. We are complicated, frustrating, and irratating in all aspects.

Guess I have some issues to sort through.

I know, I bet you are wondering why? Why is she so anti-female? Well, I am just anti- bud -your- freaking- nose -in -my- business- attitude right now.

And, freak, leave my husband alone.

There...... digest that!

New Fall Season

Alright...who is ready for the new fall season of shows to start? OH! OH! OH! Pick me, pick me! That's right, I am so ready for fall tv to start. It looks like there are going to be a lot of new shows coming out, which is good, I guess, but I was hoping that some of last years would get another turn.

I really liked Journeyman, and Moonlight, but I am not sure if they are returning. I think I heard somewhere that Moonlight was canceled, but has anyone heard anything about Journeyman? I am also really like my favorites Heroes, Lost, Grey's Anatomy, Medium, Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares...oh I think I am secretly, and oddly in love with Gordon Ramsay. He swears like... like a sailor, but man he is brilliant. I want him to come to my house and teach me how to cook.

Grey's is fab. I know, I know, it is predicatable and totally soap opera-ish, but I don't care one bit. I love my McDreamy, and my McSteamy. Yum!

Lost...well, what can I say more. I think the best thing about Lost is it will only be on for a total of six seasons. No dragging on forever and ever, only to be cancelled without any questions answered. Hum...should be interesting.

Okay, so here is what I want to watch so far, of course the above mentioned plus the Mentalist, Fringe, oh crap...what were the other ones?

What shows are you guys looking forward to watching this fall?

Case Lot

I just got back from a wonderful weekend of pampering and shopping. Friday I had to jet down south (45 min) away from home to work. I just got a job as the Fundraiser person for the Sally Faster company. I get to do kick offs at different Elementary Schools and get the kids all excited to raise some money for their school. It is fun and not a lot of work. Kids are the best to work with after all. So, anyway, I head down south and do a Kick Off on Friday, and meet my MIL (mother in law) and SIL (sister in law) shopping. We went to lunch, shopped some more, went to the house got ready for dinner and a massage and headed even farther south. It was heaven.
I stayed the night at MIL's and did some more shopping on Saturday. I went to Harmon's case lot sale and was very happy with what they had on sale. I got a lot of stuff for my food storage, even canned butter. Who thought they had canned butter? Cool.... best part of this whole weekend was that I didn't have a time frame. I didn't have kids with me. I didn't have to rush and go to five different stores, the mall and grocery shopping all before the kids get out from school, or before my husband gets sick of watching them.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my husband. I love my children, but there is just something about not having them with me that made me appreciate them so much more.

In fact, I came back in such a good mood *wink, wink* that DH said if you are going to be like this every time you come back I am going to let you leave more often. Yea, finally he got the picture and maybe so did I. I made an effort to make sure that I was not grumpy when I came back to a dirty house, dishes, laundry every where, that of course he doesn't do and why should he, I am the stay at home mom, and a mess of a front room. To my lovely surprise it was mostly clean. He had done the dishes, cleaned up the kitchen the best he could, and picked up some of the house, not to mention that for all of Friday and all of Saturday he had the kids. He took them to soccer practice and to the soccer game that I have been to so many times, and I was soooo happy to let him do it.

I had a great weekend shopping and pampering, and boy...my husband is a gem! I hope all of you have or get a husband like mine.

Sucker

This was written right after I watched this movie. I forgot to edit my post, and I don't think I will. If you don't understand it I apologize upfront. I guess this is the real me, mistakes and all.

I am a sucker. That’s it, hands down I love sappy , romantic movies. You know, through and through I am a sucker. I just watched Catch and Release, and wow, you know, nothing super special about it, it is a typical romance, but I loved it. I absolutely loved it. I love good movies. I think, I especially like romantic movies that make me feel all good and squishy inside. The funny thing is, I think I enjoy them more on my own, then with my husband. I think I would worry to much if he liked it, or didn’t like it? Is he bored? What do I do? So, hubby was out of town tonight and I pulled out this movie….

I love a good romance flick. Plus the guy, the one that Jennifer Garner falls for, is adorable, and strong and handsome and so, so sexy (and if I really cared to remember his name I would go downstairs and get it, but I am to lazy. He was the bad guy on Live Free Die Hard if that helps). Oh, and I especially like it when you can see his biceps bulging under his t-shirt, or you know, just the top of them showing so you have to imagine what he would look like with his shirt off. *Sigh* Gooosh …man I tell you, God made some beautiful creatures. Oh the man’s body, my, my, my... How beautiful and strong, and incredibly sexy. I want to run a finger over ever part of them (okay, keep your minds out of the gutter ). I mean, just to touch them, and caress them and be intoxicated by their essences.

You know, my hubby and I have often had conversations about what excites us. Men seem to be stimulated by their visual sense. Me, oh it is so the opposite. I am stimulated by their intelligence. A good intelligent conversation would send me over the roof. I also adore when my husband comes home from church and he loosens his tie just a bit, undoes his top button, and rolls up his sleeves and just plays it casual. Yum, yum to my tum, tum. I love when you catch men in those moments where they are just men. They aren’t posing, or doing something for you, or taking out the garbage, which don’t get me wrong is super nice, but not the essence of a man. I love when they are just completely engulfed in being a man. The only way to really capture that would be in a good picture. Wonderful, secret pictures that the photographer takes before you even know they are looking at you, kind of picture. I love catching my husband in those moments. It happens more in my head when I watch a chick flick like this over an actual occurrence, but still, I love those moments. His smile, the little wrinkles around his eyes (that he only has because he is 7 years older than me) the smell of his deodorant, the touch of his hand…

Or maybe, this movie has completely corrupted my perception of men, and I just want to see them as sensitive, strong, perfect men… or… maybe not.

But, hell, I am intoxicated by men. I love men. They are incredible, and (mostly) they are amazingly patient. I love the way they take care of us women. I heard once, that the reason why a man stays with a woman is because of the sexual pull the woman has on a man. His instinct to hunt is so strong that it would overpower his need to reproduce. The power a woman has sexually is so strong it makes them come back to us, and I am so glad that they do. I love my man, oh boy do I love my man.

Garden Delight

It is coming that time of year when ones crop is due for harvest. Mine is here and in full swing. This year, though, I did something just a little different. Hubby works out of town, I didn't want to do the garden all by myself again, and I was going to be in Wyoming for two weeks (originally more) during the summer and didn't know what to do about the garden, so I asked my friend if she wanted in on the garden this year. It really worked out for me because she was moving into a new house and didn't have the time to plant one of her own.

The garden is here at my house and we have split the responsibilities. It has been heaven. She watered while I was gone, she comes over and weeds, and..the best part, I don't have to bottle 92 pints of green beans all by myself. Loving it, really loving it.

So, we have already done at least 35 jars of beans. We have two boot sized shoe boxes (so I guess that would be boot boxes) full of tomatoes and corn coming out our ears *snort*. Loving it.

We (my friend and her family, and me and my family) are going camping this weekend. Except we are doing the cheaters version of camping. We are going to the cabin where we have full amenities, and we will be bottling, snapping, clipping and husking while we are out there. Should be fun. *shrug* I mean, how much four wheeling can one do? I have seen this place a millions times and so far, the scenery hasn't changed much. What better way to spend your vaca, right? I know you should relax, not work, take a break, but with lives like hers and mine you have to use every spare min you have.

As we were picking our third round of green beans I thought about the blessings of tithing. (at least I think it is tithing) If you pay a full tithe not only are you blessed with, what us Mormons call fire insurance, but your crops are blessed too. Your land is blessed to produce good fruit, and that it has.

It has been difficult at times, what with the weeds that have grown as high as the corn, but as the economy is heading south I very more secure in what we have been able to grow. I love garden sharing. It's fab!! Totally FAB!

Old Boyfriends

So, as to change subject rather drastically, I say, here's to old boyfriends.

Let me see if I can explain what I mean without all of you thinking that I am a crazy, non committed married woman.

I was checking my email today and found a friend request from my Facebook account. "Hum," thought I. "Who could know me now?" and to my total and utter amazement, my old boyfriend. **Sigh**

In seconds, thousands of memories flooded my mind. Starting first with where I met the lad. I was 15 and he was 19. Always had a thing for older men, still do, as my husband is 7 years older than me, (um, um, um ... yummy)

At 15 I was very involved in the theater. I had a job cleaning my community theater and the owner of that particular theater asked me and my sister if we wanted to go to a different theater and be back stage to help build the set for a production they were doing. We were also asked to help with the different costume changes throughout the run of the production. It was a 15 year olds dream, well, at least mine. Older men, theater.. a place of magic... how can you go wrong with that, ehh?

It was getting closer to the start of the show when I was introduced to him. He didn't start working there until it got close to the show opening. He was beautiful and I immediately fell extremely, madly head over hills for this guy. Like heart throbing, musceles aching, glands watering bliss every time he walked in the room, type of love. My sister kind of liked him too, but I secretly hoped that he wouldn't like her even though I was only 15, and she was closer to his age.

I remember him giving me his phone number. We were backstage talking, and there just happened to be a phone back there and he mock dialed his home phone number. I had it memorized in milliseconds. In fact, I think I still know what it is that is how much I loved that guy.I can smell the theater, I can feel my body, my thoughts, the passion that filled me. It is amazing how all of this happened over 15 years ago and I can accesses all of these feelings.

So, of course, like any good exgirlfriend, I clicked on accept for the friend request and looked at his pictures. He is married too, with four beautiful children, and a lovely wife, but...still, I look at his face and remember everything I felt for him. Really, I think that I might understand a little about people marrying their high school sweethearts.

My first love didn't last long. It was about 3 months that we were together (together, what does that really mean at 15?), I guess it was what you could call together... we were young and lived 30 mins away from each other. Long distance relationships are a lot harder when you don't have a car and even if you did you wouldn't be able to drive it anyway because, ya, you're 15.

Ya, I know he was 19, and poor too. He didn't have a car, and it was difficult to even talk to each other. The best thing we had going is that my sister started dating his friend and the two of them would come over, but of course like the big sister she was..she broke up with our ride, but those months together... I start think about that country song "Strawberry Wine" ... huh.... *sigh*

You know what is funny about all of this is his initials are BC. I knew from that point that the guy I would marry would have those initials. My husband are CBC. And, to boot, I think I married a better version of my first love. How's that for AWESOME!!!

Here's to the old and the new!!

Follow up

So, today during church I flipped open my trusty copy of Mormon Doctrine and began to look up various subjects. I had a conversation over at FMH, or rather, the blog that is posted down below, about same sex marriage (ssm) and the churches involvement in the politics of this issue. In Las Vegas we had a similar proposition as compared to California's proposition 8. The church used the pulpit to encourage people to get involved and vote yes for the prop. I had no problem with the church using the pulpit to encourage the sanctity of the family, and I voted yes for the proposition that changed the constitution to now define marriage being between one man and one woman.

The conversation was heated over there at FMH, and I, like always, was a chink in the wheel. I didn't agree with the stance that many of the readers did and I voiced my concerns many times. Quimby and I got into a very heated discussion about why the church should or shouldn't be involved with a civil issue, and I have been pondering, since Friday, the many things that were brought up. One of the biggest questions that arose for me was, why indeed is the church getting involved in a civil issue?

So I did a little research. It is a really good question. Why does the church get involved in a civil matter? Why don't they leave something like this to the courts to decide? Why should anyone tell anyone why or why they shouldn't be married. Well, I think, for me, I found my answer to that question.

I started flipping through the Mormon Doctrine and decided to look up issues that were talked about over at FMH. I looked up exaltation. I looked up sex immorality, and I looked up Celestial glory. And now I think I have a better understanding as to why the Church is so involved with ssm, and why they want marriage to be defined as one man and one woman.


First, I will tell you what I found under sex immorality.

Every degree and type of lewdness, lasciviousness, and licentiousness; of concupiscence, prostitution, and whoredoms; of sodomy, onanism, and homosexuality; of masturbation, incontinence, and perversion; of rape, seduction, and infidelity; of adultery, fornication, and uncleanness-all these things, as well as many others, are condemned by divine edict and are among Lucifer's chief means of leading souls to hell.

So first we have sexual sin clearly defined. In this definition, it states clearly that homosexuality is a sin. In fact any type of sexual intercourse before marriage is sinful. So, you might ask why not let the practicing homosexuals marry and be happy in that marriage with a partner that they love? Good question.

It states this under exaltation:

Celestial marriage is the gate to exaltation, and exaltation consists in the continuation of the family unit in eternity. Exaltation is eternal life, the kind of life which God lives. Those who obtain it gain an inheritance in the highest of three heavens within the celestial kingdom.

They have eternal increase, a continuation of the seeds forever and ever, a continuation of the lives eternal lives; that is, they have spirit children in the resurrection, in relation to which offspring they stand in the same position that God our Father stands to us. They inherit, in due course the fullness of the glory of the Father, meaning that they have all power in heaven and on earth.

The only way that you can receive the highest degree of celestial glory is to enter into the new and everlasting covenant. The church, stating clearly that homosexuality is a sin, will never allow two men or two women to enter into this covenant, and so, they will not receive the highest degree of Celestial glory. So, still, why shouldn't they be able to be married, and why should the church be involved? Homosexuality is a sin. IT seems as though marriage in the new and everlasting covenant is the only means for us to receive the exaltation that we all desire.

From the time in Heaven we were taught obedience to the laws that even God has to obey. If you choose this good, or righteous thing then this good or righteous blessing will be placed upon you. If you choose to go contrary to the commandments then you will be held accountable. It has been clearly defined that homosexuality is a sin. Could it be the very reason that they church is involved is to protect marriage. Is it to continue to encourage it's members and new members to strive for something higher? Or is it to protect those who struggle with either the feelings of homosexuality, or practicing homosexual? Meaning, once homosexual marriage is legalized, then by all accounts from the churches standpoint it would no longer be a sin to be a practicing homosexual, and the church would have to see it that way, which then could bring up the issue of temple marriage. We aren't doing anything sinful, so legally marry us. To me, that is the very reason the church wants marriage to be defined as one man and one woman.

We, as members of the church are taught about Celestial life, so wouldn't this time, now here on earth be a good place for working on Celestial life? Celestial life is a life of creation, and so much more than our earthly minds can even comprehend.

In Sunday school we talked about the Stripling Warriors today. What a very righteous bunch of men. They followed the commandments to exactness. Meaning right on...no substituting or justifying. They lived the commandments to exactness. In talking about them there was a most beautiful quote that I thought very fitting for this subject. President Harold B Lee said:

• The power of Satan will increase; we see it in evidence on every hand. …

• “Now the only safety we have as members of this church is to do exactly what the Lord said to the Church in that day when the Church was organized. We must learn to give heed to the words and commandments that the Lord shall give through his prophet, ‘as he receiveth them, walking in all holiness before me; … as if from mine own mouth, in all patience and faith.’ (D&C 21:4–5.) There will be some things that take patience and faith. You may not like what comes from the authority of the Church. It may contradict your political views. It may contradict your social views. It may interfere with some of your social life. But if you listen to these things, as if from the mouth of the Lord himself, with patience and faith, the promise is that ‘the gates of hell shall not prevail against you; yea, and the Lord God will disperse the powers of darkness from before you, and cause the heavens to shake for your good, and his name’s glory.’ (D&C 21:6.)” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1970, 152; or Improvement Era, Dec. 1970, 126).

Follow this link

This is a conversation over at FMH, very blog worthy.

Tell me what you think about the blog

Dinner Group

Dinner group has started. I love dinner group. Let me tell you a little about dinner group so either you can enjoy it yourself, or . . . not. I don't care, but let me tell you again, I love it.

I have two lady friends. We each take a day of the week and cook dinner for our family and the two other families. My day is Monday. Today I made Terryaki chicken and rice. I made everything here and at 5:30 my two friends came and picked up their families portion of the meal. Tomorrow I won't have to cook. Wednesday I won't have to cook, and if we have enough left overs I won't have to cook on Thursday and Friday either. Now, when we first started I was worried that I wouldn't like it because I love to cook, but after a very long summer full of cereal and macaroni and cheese for dinner I am ready to have real food again. ( I would like to add my hubby works out of town and really, that is the reason why I love to cook. I love to see his face, his compliment of the meal. With him not here I don't get that. Instead I get, eeeewwww, what is this. I don't want green beans... Yuck! I hate this food.)

I have a problem, though. The rules of the dinner group are: 1 main dish and 1 side dish. I am running out of sides. I need help with side dishes. Green beans and corn, and (of course) green jello will only go so far. If any of you have any suggestions about sides I would love to hear them.

Happy Cooking!

School

School starts tomorrow. I say here's a round for everyone, for school starting. I love school. I love that my kids go to school. *Big Sigh* School is my friend.

This, coming from someone who really, really looked into home schooling. The 'thought' of home school is really intriguing. You as the parent get to teach your children the principles of life, the gospel (if you choose) and whatever else you want to teach them. You get to put in all the work. You get to mold your lovely little babies into something wonderful and beautiful, and incredible. However, I am now of the opinion, why fix something that isn't broken. My kids go to a new school. Brand spanking new and it is beautiful. Their principal is awesome, and so far the teachers have my approval.

I love our public school. I still am able to mold them because I choose to be involved in the PTA. Gosh, I didn't realize how much the PTA does for the school and for the children. The PTA helps raise the funds for any extra material, field trips, and other necessities the school and children might need. I love the PTA, but my point is I am involved with my children's education. I always wanted to be that type of mom. Some days are better than others, but we have fun doing it.

So, school. I love school. I love that my children, well, the two older ones will be at school all day long. ALL DAY LONG! The brothers won't be fighting, and my house, oh my lovely house, will stay cleaner than it has been all summer long. Did I mention that there won't be any fighting? Oh, I love school... I wish I could write a lament about school....

Here's to school.

Sunday

Umm, I have to admit something... I mowed my lawn today.

Yes! I know, it is Sunday, and normally I don't have a problem keeping the Sabbath Day holy, but today, I mowed my lawn. Not only did I mow my lawn, but I worked a little bit out in the garden, we unpacked the trailer from camping, and to top of this sinful day, I skipped church to do it all.

I am going straight to hell!

Hey, at least I didn't go shopping, which is something that I really wanted to do too, but we came home from camping sooner than I expected.

Plus, I don't know if shopping is worse than working. I can never figure out the whole, what you should do on the Sabbath and what you shouldn't do, thing. How do you guys feel about it? Is one thing worse than the other? What do you say? Am I going straight to hell or what?

Vacation

Vacation... got to love it right? Well, mostly I do. I was going to write a blog about how I hate to travel in a small truck with 3 kids that can touch each other, make faces, and hit, but I decided that instead of doing that I would write about my vacation. We are on our way back from camping. It actually was more of a family reunion thing than a vacation, but it was still fun.

We took our trailer camping and then went to the Beach on Friday. I love the water. We rented some wave runners and I spent most my time on the water. My husband told me to remember while I was out there (ie next to my brother) that I should remember that I am a mother of three kids and a wife of a wonderful husband. I had to do a double take. Really? Me? I need to be careful? I was stunned. I am not, in my own terms, crazy, while driving either an ATV or a waver runner. I like to stay alive. I like to be in control of myself and anything I am driving. Control, control control, that's my motto. I don't like going down steep hills, riding rides at Lagoon, or doing anything that is crazy enough that I might just get hurt....( i know, by just driving a car I place myself at risk), but my point is I don't like going crazy on vehicles, so when he told me that I needed to remember that I was a mother of three my jaw dropped. If anyone was crazy with their driving it would not be me. It would be my, oh so less, concerned husband.

However, I got out on that water, felt the speed at my finger tips and I went insane. I mean really, truly insane. I did brodies, I splashed water up on my sister who was on another machine (which you aren't suppose to do because you need to stay 150 feet away from any other water craft), I splashed myself with water, (totally on accident) I went over huge waves and almost knocked myself off a couple of times... my point, he was right. I was crazy. It was exhilarating. This morning I woke up and my legs hurt. Not just a, oh wow that kind of hurts, but a squat down and almost dropped to the floor because you legs hurt so much, kind of hurt. Crazy, that riding a wave runner can cause one so much pain. It was fun. I would recommend it to anyone, and I realized that going a little crazy is needed every now and then.

Being talked about

Women talk. We talk about everything there is to talk about. We talk about the weather, friends, boyfriends, sex, kids, cooking, and most importantly we talk about each other. I like to know what is going on with other people and I have no problem asking. If they don't want to tell me they shouldn't, but the thing I have discovered about people is they can't keep a secret. That being said it sucks when you are the person being talked about.

In May I went to PTA convention. I loved it. On this trip I also discovered that not every woman has a husband like mine. My husband is a mans man. He burps, farts and scratches. Not every man out there feels an overwhelming need to fart at the dinner table. In some countries it would be a compliment, but to me, it is my life, definitely my life. Not only does my husband burp and fart he has a mind that is constantly in the gutter, and unfortunately being married to him means that mine is right there too.

I discovered that most people don't like talking about 'those' things (ie burping, farting, scratching, sex). Most disappointing. Really do they not know that the average person passes gas 14 times a day. The average person has sex at least 1 a week. The average person . . well you get the picture. So why is it that . . yes I am leading up to something . . sex is such a taboo subject? Sex. There I said it. Why do people feel so uncomfortable talking about the very thing that Heavenly Father gave us to enjoy? I don't know. Maybe it is Mormons, or rather, Mormons that really don't understand the gift of sex. Now, just so you don't think I am really crazy there are things that you just don't talk about. No specifics.

Now to my point. At PTA convention I was the entertainment. I didn't even get paid for it, but nonetheless I can make people laugh. So, when you leave the conversation solely up to me, it will naturally end up on sex. You don't like it, change the subject. Here's the problem, no one would change the subject. NO ONE! I even tried to change the subject by asking everybody what ten things can you not live without. Out of the seven women that were there I think 2 responded. Then, guess where the conversation ended up? That's right on sex.

So then I hear, that one woman was uncomfortable about the content of the conversation. The problem is she told me to my face, (yes, to my face) that she was fine with it and that the way I talked reminded her of her niece. She didn't say anything about being uncomfortable to me. Dumb, I tell ya, dumb, and kind of frustrating. You don't like the entertainment, leave, make your own, or at least have the guts to say how you really feel. My friend had to stop me.

The really sucky part is, I still don't think I did anything wrong. The bigger, sucky part, I was talked about. I know people talk about me, but I don't want to know that people talk about me. It makes ones constitution a little weak, if you know what I mean.

Maybe this is my karma getting me back for all those mean things I have said about others. Humpf...Karma... I thought karma was supposed to be good.

Friends

Okay, so I have three kids. There is a family that we met that also has three kids that are the same age as my children. They play together. Generally most times one mom takes all of the kids while the other mom gets to do whatever she wants to do. Love it. I finally figured out that I was wasting my time cleaning my house. I three hours or so by myself and I have been cleaning my house? I don't think so. I don't think so.

Well now I have a problem. I feel guilty. She has taken my kids several times while I have gallivanted across the world, okay, really just shopping the movies, but I want to pay her back now. I don't want it to build and build and build so that in one week I watch the kids everyday. I don't like doing that. She keeps telling me that she will cash in. I try to pay her back the next day, but she doesn't seem to want to take it. Ahhh what to do. . . ?

Well, I am going to do something that is kind of hard for me to do. I am going to go with the flow. Just go with the flow baby. Stop resisting. I don't know.... resisting is what I do. .

Wish me luck.

Awesome Friends

I have awesome friends.

I got flowers today from one of those awesome friends.

I love you Heather. Thanks you so much for cheering me up. I love your 'good intentions' they totally worked with me. The arrangement is so beautiful and it smells so good. I love flowers. I love that somebody other than my husband thinks I am special enough for flowers. oooohhhh..... I feel so special!!!

Not Needed

I no longer feel needed by a wonderful friend. It pisses me off. I feel hurt, and lost and alone without her. I want to write a novel about what change takes from us, but the right words don't seem to be coming, which means to me the less the better, so change took me being needed.

I think I am mad at change.

I know change is good, but really.... do you have to take away a persons sense of belonging? Sense of feeling needed?

Really.

How rude.

I want things to go back to me needing her and her needing me.

That sounds weird.

How rude.

Bothersome Bugs

Oh my land. Can I tell you how much I hate bugs. Creepy crawly...icky, yucky bugs. Hate, hate, hate them. A couple of days ago I was at my friends house and we were enjoying a lovely conversation when up from downstairs came three very loud girls. My friends two daughters and my daughter were all screaming about a bug. Ya, (roll the eyes) It's probably just a small bug, you know like a cricket, earwig or something. No big deal. So, downstairs us two moms went. My friend stopped in the bathroom grabbed a liner and a tissue. I kind of follow not knowing exactly where the bug was hiding. She pulls back her daughters covers and low and behold to my absolute horror it was no small bug lurking on the sheets. It was this: Me and my friend see it at the same time. She hollers, and I mean hollers at her husband who was down the hall. He doesn't respond, nor do I, as I stand there staring at this enormous bug. My friend, being the brave one, grabs a dustpan and starts trying to maneuver the bug into the liner. I didn't know what to do so I start dancing around the room flicking off imaginary bugs while my friend was doing the dirty work. (her house, let her deal with the bug) Icky, yucky.... right as she gets the bug into the bag she lets out the loudest blood curtling scream I have ever heard from an adult women who was not in the movies, nor was her life in danger by a giant falling rock, ... her husband walks into the room seconds later... he saw the bug and started laughing. We walk up stairs with the bug held at least twenty feet from both of us and head outside. I decide, the genius that I am, that I want to take a look one more time and as I open the bag my friend yelps again to try to scare me. I get wigged out and throw the bag. I look up laughing and see the construction workers across the street staring at us. Then she grabs the bag as it is floating in the wind (probably not to litter) opens the bag to let the bug out, screams one more final time and I just stand back in amazement, ugly sick thing... we start laughing so hard the pee almost comes. You know the laugh? Pee, it was right there, I could feel it.

So, the name? Jerusalem Cricket

Lazy

So, today I have been lazy. I have been working out for the past month and today... well.. 'grandma' came to visit and I couldn't for the life of me get out of bed. I generally wake up at 7 and go running-walking. I have really enjoyed doing that, but today... all life force was sucked out of me.

I took a nap today. It felt wonderful. I just wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep.

Maybe I wasn't so lazy today. I got my bathroom cleaned. My son is either peeing the garbage can or our toilet leaks because I noticed a very unpleasant odor yesterday and looked in the garbage can and all the tissues in there were wet. Go figure. My 3 year old likes to try crazy things. He pooped in a bucket so why not pee in a garbage can? Silly boy.

My husband comes home today. He works out of town and I think I am getting closer and closer to wanting him home for good, but then I wonder about the adjustment and not just for me, but the kids. This year it would be fun and exciting to have him home. I have a job opportunity. Nothing fancy. I would be in charge of the Sally Foster cookie dough fundraising for Cedar City and St. George area. I would be traveling down there quite a bit, I think, and it would be nice if Cevin was home. I haven't even got the job, so I don't know, but it would be nice. I am scared. I had to fill out the application and it has been 9 years since I have had a job. What do I write down? Fake it, I guess...

So, I have been watching Swing Town. Interesting show. I like it, but it is so riskaaa... you know? I mean for crying out loud it is about having sex with multiple partners. What is interesting about it is the self identity conflict. One woman doesn't know what she really wants out of life. How many times have I been there? She likes her best friends husband and the viewers find out that her husband might be having an affair. It is so totally soap opera, but done on a much classier level. I have often wondered what my life would be like if I hadn't grown up LDS. I am now wondering if that is something that I would try. Maybe, maybe not.

There... that is my life.

Sweetness of life

I have been on a journey trying to discover what it means to have the sweetness of life. A friend of mine, whom I trust immensely, told me that I needed to find the sweetness of life. That is not an easy thing to come by. What does it even mean?

I emailed another friend of mine and started complaining about my life, or rather, I was explaining why it was she woke up a million times thinking of me. Last week everything happened at once. We came to Wyoming, my 'grandmother' came to visit, and I discovered that I am actually depressed.

What a winning combination. So, I can tell you, the sweetness of life was not with me last week. In fact, it was very, very, very far away. Now that 'grandma' has left I can venture out with the sweetness. So, back to my friend that I emailed. I was telling her my life's experiences and mentioned discovering what the sweetness of life was. She said she believes that it is reading the scriptures and studying the prophets. She mentioned the fact that you can find all sorts of answers in the scriptures. It is true. So... that is my focus. I will read the scriptures more to find the sweetness of life. I know there are sweet and precious things in the scriptures, but I want the joy. I want to feel happy when I wake up in the morning. I want to be nice to my kids. I want to have fun with them and talk with them. My daughter is already 8 years old and I am already seeing her maturity. I know, she is 8, but she is starting the road to hormones. AAhh, what a day that will be. Hormones, how fun. I forget how quickly kids grow.

So, back to sweetness.. I want sweetness, I want joy, I want happiness. So, anyone out there...what is the key to the sweetness of life? Maybe the scriptures will indeed tell me.

Wyoming

What fresh hell have I fallen into? Oh yes, a small dismal place called Rawlins Wyoming. My husband works here, but we live in Utah. I decided that now since school is out I would visit this place and see where my husband is staying and what he does throughout the day. Again, I say, what fresh hell have I fallen into? It is a small town, and if actually taken care of, might be pretty. It is a mans town. There is nothing nice, or neat, or even clean about this place. It, as a friend of my so perfectly described, is the armpit of America. Indeed it is. It smell of the Sinclair oil plant five mins away. You hear the lovely sounds of the train screeching to a halt every morning, noon and night. There is dirt every where. The biggest attraction is a prison that closed down in 1981. It has already been converted into a museum. Hello? Does that seem odd to any one? Well to me at first I thought it was pretty cool until I went inside. I forgot that a prison = bad people. Really, really bad people. One young lady writes "Today I was making a pie and decided that I wanted to kill someone. So I put poison in the pie. My mom told me to give a piece of pie to my dad. I did, and it killed him. I felt bad after he died. I cried and cried for a long time." How odd. She was even a Mormon, not that being Mormon means that you are somehow cured of all evilness. No, if anything it attracts it to you ten fold.

You drive down the streets and see gravel, and dirt every where. Every street you turn down has something wrong with the road. Pot holes and such.. we went to the movies. That was an experience. I thought that Brigham had a small movie theater back in the day. That seems like the Hilton compared to the movie theatre here. It is a trash hole of a town. I don't think I have every felt so depressed in my life. Why did I come I ask you? No one knows. I don't even know if the angels could tell you why I would come to this place. Oh, yes, to be with my husband. I would almost rather be home and without him then here in a very depressing town. My brother and his wife live here. I don't know how they are surviving. I don't even think I am going to preview this post. . . okay, I will. My thoughts are so rambled I just have to write everything down. It has been a while since I have done my writing.

This is one of my favorites that I wrote over at FMH

I want to share with you some of the lyrics from the allegorical oratorio The Garden. It is an allegory of the Garden of Gethsemane and speaks of the different characters that are in the garden before the Savior enters.

There is a seedling who is confused as to why she seems to be the only seed that can’t grow and wonders if she ever will. A ram, lost and caught in a thicket who promises that next time, oh yes, next time he will stay by the Shepard’s side. There is a barren Olive Tree who struggles with the inability to bare the fruit that she was made to bare, and wonders why she is a shade tree rather than a fruitful Olive Tree. And, finally, the millstone who feels nothing. He feels no sadness, no happiness, no emotion is left inside of him and why should he care? He wasn’t created as something great like a diamond or a gemstone. He is a simple millstone that can only grind things, over and over and over again.

There is the gardener, who loves and prunes and nurtures the garden. He understands their sadness and tells them of the wonderful things to come. He gives them hope of becoming a beautiful garden blooming sweetly on the hill. And, of course the snake and the landlord, working together to maintain the despair and discouragement of the garden. They try to undue everything the gardener has done by telling them that there is no hope and they aren’t worth saving. We reach a point, just before the Savior comes in, where the gardener tells of a man with many names…

There is one to this garden comes
Like a most unusual rain
Drink it in and never thirst again,
Living water is His name.
There is One who comes to find each one
Who has lost his way again.
He will lead the way back to the fold:
The Good Shepard is His name.
There is one who, when your cryings done,
Gives the gifts you’ve never known.
He’ll give fruit because he is the Vine
And Life for He’s the Living Stone.
He is known by, oh, so many names,
and will be forever more.
Hope comes from the one with many names
And he’s not forgotten yours….
No he’s not forgotten yours.

Throughout my life I have journeyed down many different roads. I have been the seedling wanting ever so much, to be grown, to be something more than what I am. I have been the ram who has wandered away from the Shepard’s side and felt lost, stuck, and ever so alone. I have especially felt the pain of the millstone. I have wondered many times about my own beauty. I have wondered about my own personal worth and, at times felt extremely ordinary. Their sadness and despair resonates deep in my heart. Why am I in this place? Why am I alone? Why am I of no value to others? Why am I lost?…And yet, when my cryings done I have felt The Good Shepard and I have felt the sweet gifts that he gives. I have felt my own renewal of hope, and my own sense of purpose. I pray, that others out there, who have felt as I have felt, will find their hope. He’ll give fruit because he is the vine, and life for He’s the Living Stone.

I would like to thank all those at FMH for having me as a guest for these two weeks. I would also like to thank all of those that have read and commented on my posts, and now, ah yes, and now I happily return to commenter.