A year ago I wrote this over at FMH. In Jan it was decided that we were going to have an intervention for my mother who is addicted to prescription drugs. In Feb we all got together for the intervention. It was difficult, painful really, but we made it through and my mom went to rehab and for a short period of time was sober.
Last week on Oprah she did a segment on the show Intervention that airs on A&E. I have seen that show a couple of times and each time I watch I get so angry at what these people are doing, but then that anger turns to sadness and then the sadness brings up a whole big set of issues in my own life and I end up turning of the show because it's just to painful to keep watching. Anyway, Oprah had a mother on her show who at the age of 40 became and alcoholic. It showed clips of her stumbling around her house in her drunken state. Laying on the lawn outside her house because she was so drunk she passed out, and then it showed her kids. Young kids, 5, 7, 10 years old watching their mother make a complete ass out of herself.
Later in the segment it was revealed that the mom drank mouthwash to get wasted when she didn't have regular alcohol available . With that revelation, a light clicked on in my head, my mom drinks mouthwash. Of course, she doesn't literally drink mouthwash, but she uses her stupid dumb ass doctor who still prescribes her pain meds, to drink the mouthwash. She thinks (or I'm assuming here) it's not drugs (even though it is), it isn't what I was taking before, so it's okay.
(First part written before my parents came)
My parents came to visit this weekend and I did something I don't think I would have normally done. I called her on her crap! We were sitting downstairs talking and her speech started to slur and her eyes were glossed over, so I asked her. I said "mom, are you on drugs again? Your eyes are glossy and your speech is slurred. Are you taking something?" Of course she was stunned that I would even ask, but I'm sick of beating around the bush. If I have a question I'm going to ask her and I don't care if it hurts her feelings. She's an addict and all my family has been doing for the past 3 months is skirting around the issue. Everyone suspects she's on something but no one has asked. The good/bad thing about my personality is if I want to know something I'll ask but the only problem is I'm not always delicate.
My mom tried to say she isn't on anything. Then she started talking about something her doctor gives her that she only takes at night for the pain. Um hum... right! Cuz I believe that. We had an interesting conversation. I told her that I don't really believe her because she's an addict (which she responded to by saying "that won't ever change") I know she's an addict. She's been an addict for 15 years and she knows how to lie and hide things. I basically told her I suspect, actually the whole family suspects she's on something and its disappointing. She started crying. For a split second I almost felt bad, but then I didn't because I know it's just something she uses to get what she wants. I told her I still love her, she's my mom, but I don't like what she is doing.
Sigh...
It's even painful just trying to write about it.
At the intervention my dad said that he was going to leave her if she relapsed. I'm not sure if that is going to happen or not. I don't think he loves her like he used to. Well, he loves my clean sober mother of 15 years ago, but I don't think he can even stand my addict of a mother right now. Note: he is never rude to her, but you can tell.
Okay... that's all I can talk about it. My stomach is just... blah!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Home Birth
I don't know how many of my readers know that I have my babies at home. Yes, with a midwife. I had a friend ask me one time why I had them at home. In the moment I couldn't really think of a good reason other than because I wanted to.
Now, after Adam, my 4th child, I know why. I have four kids and all of them have been home births. I have had 3 different midwives and this last midwife is probably my favorite.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to write the details of the delivery and share them with the world, but I want a record and typing is much faster than writing in my journal, and gosh dangit, I worked hard to get little Adam here.
My husband and I were watching "The Dark Night" on Friday the 1st. It was about 11:30 and I was dozing in and out of the movie when a contraction happened. At first it seemed more like a period cramp but then quickly moved into contractions. I started silently timing them and by the end of the movie I told my husband that we might be having a baby soon. He smiled and we started talking and timing the contractions. They were about 5 mins apart and lasted about 1 min in length. It's been almost five years since my last baby so I didn't know if that was good or bad.
After about 20 mins of timing the contractions we decided that we were going to get some rest. My three other deliveries were very long in the labor part. Isaac, my 3rd child started a whole 24 hours before he was born so I was expecting the same, but by 2 in the morning the contractions came much harder and I told my husband to call the midwife. I was sitting on my bed and stood up to go to the bathroom and felt as though I might have broken my water (which is another something that never happens with my deliveries) I went to the bathroom to find a bit of blood. Um.... not good I thought... not good at all. Doesn't blood mean placenta previa? Or something scary? I called my midwife she asked some questions and determined the blood was not a bad thing. I hung up the phone, told my husband to call his mom and get her her quick just in case we had to go elsewhere, like to the hospital... After he called his mom I asked him to give me a blessing.
I am very aware of my body and what is going on inside my body. I talk to my hormones, my organs, my brain, my heart, even my emotions. I like to know what is going on inside my body and what I am feeling so I talk to it. During the blessing I began to ask my wonderful organs if it was my placenta that was trying to deliver first. I kept getting told no, so I stopped panicking. My midwife came looked at the blood and told me again she wasn't worried.
From that point everything went like clockwork. We filled up the birthing pool and I started contracting heavily. My husband kept telling me we were going to have the baby by 4. I kept thinking there's no way it probably won't be until 9 or 10 when the kids are up and there is more commotion, but to my wonderful surprise that isn't what happened. During the contractions my midwife was rubbing my back and I was wanting to push. She said the most beautiful thing to me. She reminded me that when I went through the veil in the temple I wasn't pushed, I was took the time I needed to walk through. From that point on I was so much more relaxed.
I'm not sure the time frame at this point, but my husband was sitting outside the pool and I was in it. I told him I wanted him to get in so he ran and got his shorts on. I start having a contraction and he grabs my leg with one leg in the pool and the other leg outside the pool... and then I yell.... "here he comes" (the baby). My husband didn't know if he should get in or stay out. Luckily he listened to the midwife. She told him to get in, during which time the baby is moving straight down my vagina and it hurts like hell. I kept yelling for help and couldn't figure out why no one was reaching in there to pull him out. Guess there are some things you have to do on your on, eh? A couple of pushes and there was his head.....ya... ya... hurts just thinking about it. Then the shoulders, another ouch... then the flop and he was here. My beautiful baby was here.
I found out after I delivered the placenta that the reason I was bleeding was because I had conceived twins and I was trying to deliver the first undeveloped placenta and parts associated with it. The crazy part was at the beginning of my pregnancy I kept thinking I was having twins and people kept asking me, or joking with me that I might have twins.
My midwife was amazing and she took great care of me. If I were to have another I would wish it would be similar to this pregnancy. Overall it was incredible and very relaxed....
Now... my beautiful baby is crying for some attention. Thanks for listening/reading!
Now, after Adam, my 4th child, I know why. I have four kids and all of them have been home births. I have had 3 different midwives and this last midwife is probably my favorite.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to write the details of the delivery and share them with the world, but I want a record and typing is much faster than writing in my journal, and gosh dangit, I worked hard to get little Adam here.
My husband and I were watching "The Dark Night" on Friday the 1st. It was about 11:30 and I was dozing in and out of the movie when a contraction happened. At first it seemed more like a period cramp but then quickly moved into contractions. I started silently timing them and by the end of the movie I told my husband that we might be having a baby soon. He smiled and we started talking and timing the contractions. They were about 5 mins apart and lasted about 1 min in length. It's been almost five years since my last baby so I didn't know if that was good or bad.
After about 20 mins of timing the contractions we decided that we were going to get some rest. My three other deliveries were very long in the labor part. Isaac, my 3rd child started a whole 24 hours before he was born so I was expecting the same, but by 2 in the morning the contractions came much harder and I told my husband to call the midwife. I was sitting on my bed and stood up to go to the bathroom and felt as though I might have broken my water (which is another something that never happens with my deliveries) I went to the bathroom to find a bit of blood. Um.... not good I thought... not good at all. Doesn't blood mean placenta previa? Or something scary? I called my midwife she asked some questions and determined the blood was not a bad thing. I hung up the phone, told my husband to call his mom and get her her quick just in case we had to go elsewhere, like to the hospital... After he called his mom I asked him to give me a blessing.
I am very aware of my body and what is going on inside my body. I talk to my hormones, my organs, my brain, my heart, even my emotions. I like to know what is going on inside my body and what I am feeling so I talk to it. During the blessing I began to ask my wonderful organs if it was my placenta that was trying to deliver first. I kept getting told no, so I stopped panicking. My midwife came looked at the blood and told me again she wasn't worried.
From that point everything went like clockwork. We filled up the birthing pool and I started contracting heavily. My husband kept telling me we were going to have the baby by 4. I kept thinking there's no way it probably won't be until 9 or 10 when the kids are up and there is more commotion, but to my wonderful surprise that isn't what happened. During the contractions my midwife was rubbing my back and I was wanting to push. She said the most beautiful thing to me. She reminded me that when I went through the veil in the temple I wasn't pushed, I was took the time I needed to walk through. From that point on I was so much more relaxed.
I'm not sure the time frame at this point, but my husband was sitting outside the pool and I was in it. I told him I wanted him to get in so he ran and got his shorts on. I start having a contraction and he grabs my leg with one leg in the pool and the other leg outside the pool... and then I yell.... "here he comes" (the baby). My husband didn't know if he should get in or stay out. Luckily he listened to the midwife. She told him to get in, during which time the baby is moving straight down my vagina and it hurts like hell. I kept yelling for help and couldn't figure out why no one was reaching in there to pull him out. Guess there are some things you have to do on your on, eh? A couple of pushes and there was his head.....ya... ya... hurts just thinking about it. Then the shoulders, another ouch... then the flop and he was here. My beautiful baby was here.
I found out after I delivered the placenta that the reason I was bleeding was because I had conceived twins and I was trying to deliver the first undeveloped placenta and parts associated with it. The crazy part was at the beginning of my pregnancy I kept thinking I was having twins and people kept asking me, or joking with me that I might have twins.
My midwife was amazing and she took great care of me. If I were to have another I would wish it would be similar to this pregnancy. Overall it was incredible and very relaxed....
Now... my beautiful baby is crying for some attention. Thanks for listening/reading!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Emotional Check
So, um, ya... new baby is doing SUPER! He sleeps great, he is adorable and I want to gobble him up! Of course, I won't because that would be weird, but he is so adorable. He coo's and goo's and, ummm... just beautiful.
Me, on the other hand....pfff.. I'm not near as cute, I don't goo and coo and lately my voice seems louder than normal. What's up with that?
For example, today husband made a wonderful lego table for the boys. It's great, but he started this ball, a ball called once you remove and item the whole bedroom HAS to be cleaned before you can bring the table back in... you can not put new furniture in a messy room, which also means it's time to clean out the toy box, organize the closet, clean under the bed and change the sheets. Why? I don't know, it's just something that you do... isn't it?
Well, the problem was I couldn't talk in my regular nice voice. I was barking orders at the boys, and the husband, only to find out that they were doing what I had originally asked them to do it just wasn't what I wanted them to do because I wanted them to do something else...I know, right? I'm crazy.
All during my pregnancy I was yellow mellow... I went with the flow (for the most part) I could keep my emotions in check, and I didn't raise my voice near as much as I have the last 3 weeks. What's up with that? I want my yellow mellow back... please, somebody, help?
Guess I can always sit and meditate, write down my feelings, all that good healthy crap... but... oh fine, I'll do it!
Me, on the other hand....pfff.. I'm not near as cute, I don't goo and coo and lately my voice seems louder than normal. What's up with that?
For example, today husband made a wonderful lego table for the boys. It's great, but he started this ball, a ball called once you remove and item the whole bedroom HAS to be cleaned before you can bring the table back in... you can not put new furniture in a messy room, which also means it's time to clean out the toy box, organize the closet, clean under the bed and change the sheets. Why? I don't know, it's just something that you do... isn't it?
Well, the problem was I couldn't talk in my regular nice voice. I was barking orders at the boys, and the husband, only to find out that they were doing what I had originally asked them to do it just wasn't what I wanted them to do because I wanted them to do something else...I know, right? I'm crazy.
All during my pregnancy I was yellow mellow... I went with the flow (for the most part) I could keep my emotions in check, and I didn't raise my voice near as much as I have the last 3 weeks. What's up with that? I want my yellow mellow back... please, somebody, help?
Guess I can always sit and meditate, write down my feelings, all that good healthy crap... but... oh fine, I'll do it!
Monday, January 4, 2010
Baby Is Here!
Finally baby boy #4 entered the world on 1/2/2010. Big sister and big brother love the baby. He's so cute too. He coo's and makes the most adorable noises.
All I did today was hold the baby. My fab Mother In Law cleaned my house, did my laundry, mopped my kitchen floor, cleaned some of the base boards in the kitchen, cleaned out my freezer... she ROCKS I tell ya' just rocks. She likes to keep busy, and lets face it, no matter how clean my house is, or would have been before she came she would still find something to do, so knowing that, I just left it dirty enough that she wouldn't be bored.
I love my MIL! Thanks Mom for all the help!
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