.... oh wait, I have a filthy kitchen, house to clean, laundry to do, baby to feed with the damn bottle, and... just waiting for the cycle to repeat itself.
I skipped church today because I have a cough and a sore throat. Thought I might get in a little house work, but wonderful baby decided that he doesn't want to nap. Oh the joys! He still isn't nursing, but we are still trying. I don't know how long we are going to try. It's tough stuff this pumping business.
I read this article and learned a couple of things. I've decided that I'm not going to stress over the fact he doesn't like my boob and I will just take it a day at a time. In the article it suggests that you can slowly re introduce baby to the breast, but you have to be calm and patient. Two of my best personality traits... Especially the patient one...
Yesterday was my 5 year olds birthday. He is such a sweet pain in the butt! I love that kid and he knows how to push every button invented. My sister was here, actually she was passing through on her way to Disneyland. OOOOOOOOOhhhh, I want to go... I love Disneyland. It was nice to visit with her. They kids love their cousins. Yes they do, which is good because nothing is worse than fighting kids. NOTHING!!
Well-- um, ya... so Sunday.
What are you doing today?
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Confessions of a Nurse-a-holic
As I have stated previously my baby was diagnosed as Failure to Thrive, which basically means he's a lazy eater and at 6 weeks he was his birth weight. Obviously that is not a good thing. I went to the Ped Dr. and he told me I needed to supplement my nursing with a bottle, which is fine by me because having a healthy baby is the most important thing.
Well, seems that baby likes the bottle more than the boobs. Ya, what's up with that? Aren't boys supposed to like boobs from the get go? Don't they come out thinking boobs? Not my son and for some reason it's totally breaking my heart.
I have 3 other kids and they all came out fat and healthy and wanting to suck and I've never had a problem breast feeding, in fact (here's where the confession comes in) I think I've even judged some mothers that have chosen to bottle feed. I've never said anything out loud, of course, cuz that would just be plain rude, but the inner me judged.
Karma's a big mean ugly witch! And frankly, I don't like her much!
Today we went to church and I left the baby with Husband during RS. He had a bottle that needed some water in it and to get to the bathroom to fill the bottle he had to walk by the RS room. I heard one squawk from my baby and I almost couldn't hold in the tears. I wanted so badly for my husband to open the door and say my baby needs me. It didn't happen, he just walked right on by. The lesson was fantastic, but I couldn't sit in there knowing my baby was getting fed by someone else, even his very capable and able and wonderful father. In fact, I even left the RS room in the hopes that he would have more of desire to nurse than an hour previous.
No-- sigh--
I bought a breast pump. There is still that part of me that hopes maybe in another week he will want to nurse, maybe in two weeks... maybe if I would have caught it sooner it wouldn't be this bad, maybe if I had taken him to chiropractor sooner he would have been able to nurse longer, maybe...
I'm not ready to let go... dear sweet Lord, I'm not ready! Why? I don't understand?
And... I'm so sorry I judged those other women. I think I'm secretly afraid that I will pull out the bottle and the judgment begins. Maybe not to my face but I know in their hearts they judge because, well, I did....
I'm Sunshine, and I'm addicted to breast feeding.....
Well, seems that baby likes the bottle more than the boobs. Ya, what's up with that? Aren't boys supposed to like boobs from the get go? Don't they come out thinking boobs? Not my son and for some reason it's totally breaking my heart.
I have 3 other kids and they all came out fat and healthy and wanting to suck and I've never had a problem breast feeding, in fact (here's where the confession comes in) I think I've even judged some mothers that have chosen to bottle feed. I've never said anything out loud, of course, cuz that would just be plain rude, but the inner me judged.
Karma's a big mean ugly witch! And frankly, I don't like her much!
Today we went to church and I left the baby with Husband during RS. He had a bottle that needed some water in it and to get to the bathroom to fill the bottle he had to walk by the RS room. I heard one squawk from my baby and I almost couldn't hold in the tears. I wanted so badly for my husband to open the door and say my baby needs me. It didn't happen, he just walked right on by. The lesson was fantastic, but I couldn't sit in there knowing my baby was getting fed by someone else, even his very capable and able and wonderful father. In fact, I even left the RS room in the hopes that he would have more of desire to nurse than an hour previous.
No-- sigh--
I bought a breast pump. There is still that part of me that hopes maybe in another week he will want to nurse, maybe in two weeks... maybe if I would have caught it sooner it wouldn't be this bad, maybe if I had taken him to chiropractor sooner he would have been able to nurse longer, maybe...
I'm not ready to let go... dear sweet Lord, I'm not ready! Why? I don't understand?
And... I'm so sorry I judged those other women. I think I'm secretly afraid that I will pull out the bottle and the judgment begins. Maybe not to my face but I know in their hearts they judge because, well, I did....
I'm Sunshine, and I'm addicted to breast feeding.....
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Tornadoes are Back
Last night I had the dream again. Yes, you know, that dream where you dream it over and over and over and sometimes it turns out good and sometimes it's just plain rotten? Ya, so my freaky dream is about Tornadoes. I hate them! They scare me and I never want to live where there are any....
It normally goes something like this. I look out my window and see the weather is bad, the sky is dark and it's starting to storm, and then I look out again and there's like 20 tornadoes all happening at one time. Sometimes I am across town and realize I have left my kids home ALONE (why alone at such a young age I don't know), but they are alone and I start freaking out and try to find a way back to them only to be separated from them by a great big category 4 tornado. It sucks and scares the crap out of me and I always wake up with a knot in my throat.
Last night I dreamed about the tornadoes again, but for some reason this time it was different. I wasn't separated from my kids and I wasn't freaking out. I remember looking out my window and thinking okay--here they are. I was still scared a little but not completely freaking out, and the best part is I wasn't separated from my kids. I think we were all together, and like I said, I wasn't freaking out. This is a good thing, because I am great at freaking out- actually I think I'm a pro. They should have that in the Olympics-- best freak out-- ya, I think I would rock that sport.
Anyway-
When I have crazy dreams about tornadoes, heaters, drowning kids, even some crazy sex dreams (I know, I know) I like to pull out my dream book. Tornadoes means strong emotional upsets. Well, I have had strong emotional upsets and am sill having them, but this time, like in my dream, I'm not freaking out. Surprising how much better I feel. Maybe they should have that sport in the Olympics too--calm collected sport in the face of DANGER-- ya, sounds dumb I know. :D
So, you have any crazy dreams? What do you think of them?
It normally goes something like this. I look out my window and see the weather is bad, the sky is dark and it's starting to storm, and then I look out again and there's like 20 tornadoes all happening at one time. Sometimes I am across town and realize I have left my kids home ALONE (why alone at such a young age I don't know), but they are alone and I start freaking out and try to find a way back to them only to be separated from them by a great big category 4 tornado. It sucks and scares the crap out of me and I always wake up with a knot in my throat.
Last night I dreamed about the tornadoes again, but for some reason this time it was different. I wasn't separated from my kids and I wasn't freaking out. I remember looking out my window and thinking okay--here they are. I was still scared a little but not completely freaking out, and the best part is I wasn't separated from my kids. I think we were all together, and like I said, I wasn't freaking out. This is a good thing, because I am great at freaking out- actually I think I'm a pro. They should have that in the Olympics-- best freak out-- ya, I think I would rock that sport.
Anyway-
When I have crazy dreams about tornadoes, heaters, drowning kids, even some crazy sex dreams (I know, I know) I like to pull out my dream book. Tornadoes means strong emotional upsets. Well, I have had strong emotional upsets and am sill having them, but this time, like in my dream, I'm not freaking out. Surprising how much better I feel. Maybe they should have that sport in the Olympics too--calm collected sport in the face of DANGER-- ya, sounds dumb I know. :D
So, you have any crazy dreams? What do you think of them?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
When you Don't have the Time
I was over at a my BFF's Foxy's house the other day chatting it up, when she brought up a very interesting topic. She said, "I think I'm getting a friend I don't know I have time for". I knew who she was talking about and I just laughed, but then we really started talking about it.
She told me that the other day this friend, Betty,' just showed up' on her front porch. Of course, it wasn't by accident, she had errands to run, or she was in the area, or she forgot to give her this... funny really, but then she ended up staying for a couple of hours chatting and letting her kids play with Foxy's kids.
During our conversation Foxy told me that she wasn't sure she had time to develop another friendship. Friends take time and energy and sometimes some friends take more energy than other friends. Betty likes friends and she likes to have them, but boy, when you have a family and kids, and dance lessons... sometimes you just want to take a nap and not entertain anyone, or sometimes you want to clean and just clean and not entertain.
So, today, I had my friend Lolly show up. She came over to give me this car seat cover that her friend made for me and my new baby. Sweet really, but when I saw her at my door I thought... oh crap... Oh crap because I was downstairs organizing my Food Storage room and I was right in the middle of my groove. I knew that she would be here for a while, which isn't a bad thing because I really do like to visit, but the last time she was over I got her whole medical history, plus some stuff I really didn't want to know. Luckily she wasn't here for to long, but still it was long enough that I never made it back down to my storage room.
I don't know that I have time for another friend....
sigh...
Maybe I do! Maybe she needs me and I should just be her friend because heaven knows, I have needed my own set of friends and often times I just kind of attach myself to them whether they want me to or not.
Any advice?
She told me that the other day this friend, Betty,' just showed up' on her front porch. Of course, it wasn't by accident, she had errands to run, or she was in the area, or she forgot to give her this... funny really, but then she ended up staying for a couple of hours chatting and letting her kids play with Foxy's kids.
During our conversation Foxy told me that she wasn't sure she had time to develop another friendship. Friends take time and energy and sometimes some friends take more energy than other friends. Betty likes friends and she likes to have them, but boy, when you have a family and kids, and dance lessons... sometimes you just want to take a nap and not entertain anyone, or sometimes you want to clean and just clean and not entertain.
So, today, I had my friend Lolly show up. She came over to give me this car seat cover that her friend made for me and my new baby. Sweet really, but when I saw her at my door I thought... oh crap... Oh crap because I was downstairs organizing my Food Storage room and I was right in the middle of my groove. I knew that she would be here for a while, which isn't a bad thing because I really do like to visit, but the last time she was over I got her whole medical history, plus some stuff I really didn't want to know. Luckily she wasn't here for to long, but still it was long enough that I never made it back down to my storage room.
I don't know that I have time for another friend....
sigh...
Maybe I do! Maybe she needs me and I should just be her friend because heaven knows, I have needed my own set of friends and often times I just kind of attach myself to them whether they want me to or not.
Any advice?
Monday, February 15, 2010
Update
Yesterday after I left the hospital I drove home crying at the diagnosis they gave me. Failure to Thrive... ouch, for some reason that hurt. Anyway, I pulled into the garage and just sat there and cried. I wiped the tears, opened the car door and got out. My husband heard me pull up and walked out into the garage. He looked handsome all ready for church, and then he asked me what had happened and once again I couldn't hold back the tears. I sobbed and in between the sobs I blurted out that our son was starving. He just held me and let me cry.
I can't tell you how many people I told. It was enough that it gave me a cry headache, you know, the ones right in the front of your forehead. I cried a lot yesterday. I needed to cry. I wasn't filled with guilt, because I know there was no way of knowing my son was starving until this point. I wasn't angry either, just sad that I could have caught it sooner... maybe. My dad told my sister when her son was diagnosed with Leukemia, you caught it when you needed to. Likewise, I caught this when I needed to.
Later in the day after the tears subsided my problem solving hat was put on, and quite frankly, I'm very happy with what I was able to do after the wave of emotions I experienced. I knew the Dr would want to know how much my son was eating, so I starting pumping. I was able to pump 2 oz in a 20 min period, which is pretty good for nursing. The problem was, my son wasn't nursing for 20 mins. He would nurse maybe 5 mins here, 5 mins there, but never a good solid 20 mins. Then I feed him as much as I could feed that kid. After each feeding I wrote down how much he ate, what kind it was and what his diaper situation was like. When I went to see the dr today he was very happy that I wrote everything down. Woo Hoo.. point for me!
All day my son ate, or so it felt like. He took the best nap he has ever taken and now looking back on the past month, he wasn't sleeping because he was hungry, he wasn't eating because he was weak, and he would only really eat when he was starving. A very vicious cycle, and now looking back I can see what was happening. There were no red flags, nothing really super wrong, just hints here and there. The puzzle is all put together now I know what was happening.
I think I might have just found the best Ped Dr. every. He sat in the room and talked to me for about 45 mins. He asked me questions, told me his concerns, listened to me talk and explain what had been happening. After all of that he did some blood work and told me that my baby was a little dehydrated. Then we talked some more. He told me he will let me continue to nurse, but I have to supplement. If my son doesn't start gaining an oz a day I will have to stop nursing and solely bottle feed. There are pro's and con's to bottle feeding.... if I have to stop, at least there is something... um.. fun.. dare I say, that could come out of bottle feeding. It's called, 'I can sleep through the night while husband feeds baby', or 'I can go out with friends to a movie'... or freedom. Yet, with that freedom I know I would miss the bonding time I would get with him. I'm not saying that being on a bottle wouldn't still allow for it, but I would just miss him being so close. One day at a time is what we will take this... one day at a time.
Thanks for all your prayers and support.
I can't tell you how many people I told. It was enough that it gave me a cry headache, you know, the ones right in the front of your forehead. I cried a lot yesterday. I needed to cry. I wasn't filled with guilt, because I know there was no way of knowing my son was starving until this point. I wasn't angry either, just sad that I could have caught it sooner... maybe. My dad told my sister when her son was diagnosed with Leukemia, you caught it when you needed to. Likewise, I caught this when I needed to.
Later in the day after the tears subsided my problem solving hat was put on, and quite frankly, I'm very happy with what I was able to do after the wave of emotions I experienced. I knew the Dr would want to know how much my son was eating, so I starting pumping. I was able to pump 2 oz in a 20 min period, which is pretty good for nursing. The problem was, my son wasn't nursing for 20 mins. He would nurse maybe 5 mins here, 5 mins there, but never a good solid 20 mins. Then I feed him as much as I could feed that kid. After each feeding I wrote down how much he ate, what kind it was and what his diaper situation was like. When I went to see the dr today he was very happy that I wrote everything down. Woo Hoo.. point for me!
All day my son ate, or so it felt like. He took the best nap he has ever taken and now looking back on the past month, he wasn't sleeping because he was hungry, he wasn't eating because he was weak, and he would only really eat when he was starving. A very vicious cycle, and now looking back I can see what was happening. There were no red flags, nothing really super wrong, just hints here and there. The puzzle is all put together now I know what was happening.
I think I might have just found the best Ped Dr. every. He sat in the room and talked to me for about 45 mins. He asked me questions, told me his concerns, listened to me talk and explain what had been happening. After all of that he did some blood work and told me that my baby was a little dehydrated. Then we talked some more. He told me he will let me continue to nurse, but I have to supplement. If my son doesn't start gaining an oz a day I will have to stop nursing and solely bottle feed. There are pro's and con's to bottle feeding.... if I have to stop, at least there is something... um.. fun.. dare I say, that could come out of bottle feeding. It's called, 'I can sleep through the night while husband feeds baby', or 'I can go out with friends to a movie'... or freedom. Yet, with that freedom I know I would miss the bonding time I would get with him. I'm not saying that being on a bottle wouldn't still allow for it, but I would just miss him being so close. One day at a time is what we will take this... one day at a time.
Thanks for all your prayers and support.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Hospitals... I hate hospitals
The past couple of days my 1 month old has been really weird. He hasn't been eating very well so I called my midwife and she said she thought he had a sore throat. Finally, after eating from a bottle, kind of nursing, a couple of hours crying, we went to the hospital.
I thought we were there because he had a sore throat. After 2 hours, a throat culture, a urine sample, and me denying a chest ex-ray so she can see if he has pneumonia (which there are absolutely NO symptoms to even think he has pneumonia) the Physicians Assistant finally answered some of my questions. I thought he had a sore throat, finds out my son is what they call Unable to Thrive Baby, which basically means he is starving, not getting enough to eat. I bawled... I'm starving my baby. I'm starving him and I had no idea. He's been crying because he's hungry, I put him to the breast he eats a little bit and then pulls himself off. I thought he might be gassy, upset stomach, sore throat... no he's starving. He's not eating and come to find out he's not nursing well.
When the PA told me I choked back some serious tears. I keep telling myself to keep my head on. You can cry when you get to the car, I told myself. I asked more questions, and got answers. I need to supplement and go to my Ped Dr. tomorrow. Okay... okay... I can handle this, I thought, keep asking questions. Be calm, be cool, don't let your voice crack (why I have no idea).
I walked out of the Hospital... I hit the sliding doors and I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. They came streaming down my face. I'm not a bad mom, I thought. I didn't know he was starving. I should have known. All the signs are there. My husband even mentioned him not gaining weight, my Mother in Law even said something about him being so skinny. I just blew her off because sometimes she makes those 'oh- you -don't- know- what- you're- talking- about comments. Turns out, she was right. I didn't listen. I didn't listen because he was still nursing, not long, but still eating. I thought he was fine.
I was starving him. He wouldn't let me put him down in his crib to sleep because he was starving. I had no idea.
I know I'm not a bad mom.. I know it in my heart, I'm not blaming myself, I'm not beating myself up, but damn, I had no idea he was so hungry.
Now, I'm have such mixed emotions because he might not nurse anymore. He hasn't suckled all day and tears are stinging my eyes just thinking that he might be done. I have nursed my other kids until they were one. I didn't even get a good month of suckling, it's heart breaking, really!
My midwife gave me the neatest contraption. She told me they use it for preemies. Its a container that has little tubes attached to it. The tubes lay on the breast and milk goes in the container. It is supposed to give more milk for less sucking. I tried it tonight... either it was my breast or the milk that was in the container because he would have none of it.
After I tried breastfeeding tonight I asked my husband to give him a blessing. First we prayed where I poured out my soul to the Lord thanking him for the comfort I have received this day, and praying that he would give me the strength to overcome this frustrating time. My husband gave him a beautiful blessing. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Pray for me.
I thought we were there because he had a sore throat. After 2 hours, a throat culture, a urine sample, and me denying a chest ex-ray so she can see if he has pneumonia (which there are absolutely NO symptoms to even think he has pneumonia) the Physicians Assistant finally answered some of my questions. I thought he had a sore throat, finds out my son is what they call Unable to Thrive Baby, which basically means he is starving, not getting enough to eat. I bawled... I'm starving my baby. I'm starving him and I had no idea. He's been crying because he's hungry, I put him to the breast he eats a little bit and then pulls himself off. I thought he might be gassy, upset stomach, sore throat... no he's starving. He's not eating and come to find out he's not nursing well.
When the PA told me I choked back some serious tears. I keep telling myself to keep my head on. You can cry when you get to the car, I told myself. I asked more questions, and got answers. I need to supplement and go to my Ped Dr. tomorrow. Okay... okay... I can handle this, I thought, keep asking questions. Be calm, be cool, don't let your voice crack (why I have no idea).
I walked out of the Hospital... I hit the sliding doors and I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. They came streaming down my face. I'm not a bad mom, I thought. I didn't know he was starving. I should have known. All the signs are there. My husband even mentioned him not gaining weight, my Mother in Law even said something about him being so skinny. I just blew her off because sometimes she makes those 'oh- you -don't- know- what- you're- talking- about comments. Turns out, she was right. I didn't listen. I didn't listen because he was still nursing, not long, but still eating. I thought he was fine.
I was starving him. He wouldn't let me put him down in his crib to sleep because he was starving. I had no idea.
I know I'm not a bad mom.. I know it in my heart, I'm not blaming myself, I'm not beating myself up, but damn, I had no idea he was so hungry.
Now, I'm have such mixed emotions because he might not nurse anymore. He hasn't suckled all day and tears are stinging my eyes just thinking that he might be done. I have nursed my other kids until they were one. I didn't even get a good month of suckling, it's heart breaking, really!
My midwife gave me the neatest contraption. She told me they use it for preemies. Its a container that has little tubes attached to it. The tubes lay on the breast and milk goes in the container. It is supposed to give more milk for less sucking. I tried it tonight... either it was my breast or the milk that was in the container because he would have none of it.
After I tried breastfeeding tonight I asked my husband to give him a blessing. First we prayed where I poured out my soul to the Lord thanking him for the comfort I have received this day, and praying that he would give me the strength to overcome this frustrating time. My husband gave him a beautiful blessing. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Pray for me.
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