One of my online friends sent me an e-book on depression in that same time frame, so what almost 2 months ago. Cool, I thought. I'll read it see what it says.... and then...my baby was diagnosed Failure to thrive and I lost all sense of time and space. My whole life was/is consumed by my baby and first getting him to eat anything and second getting him to nurse. As my blog has documented it has been an emotional roller coaster.
Sunday was supposed to be my babies blessing and everything was going/heading in the right direction. It seemed that baby was nursing a little more things were getting better and then-- bam! The rug got pulled out from under me. He (my baby) decided that he didn't want my breast any more. I was crushed, absolutely completely crushed. I breast feed! This is what I DO!! I breast feed... does he not know? What is the problem? Then after that I just had a complete meltdown. I bawled and sobbed and bawled some more and then cried even more and then I just about died at the thought of having to entertain my family and my husbands family, decide what to eat, clean my house, and pump, and try to get the baby to nurse all in one weekend. We ended up canceling the blessing, but my family decided to still come down. My dad, oh my sweet father, knows ever so well when something is wrong. He can tell if something is wrong with you over the phone, even if you have a cheery voice. He will ask the question that me and my sisters love to hate....he says "you okay" and the tears come and you can't hold back what's happening with you anymore. Really I think he has a gift, or something, but he knew something was wrong and he came down.
On Sunday him and my husband gave me, yet again, another beautiful blessing. Before the blessing I chatted with my father and he asked me (very delicately) if I thought maybe I was depressed. I thought about it... well... I don't know. What is depression? I don't sleep all the time, I don't shove food down my gullet, I don't sit on my couch and stare off into the distance. No, I'm doing things.... so, I don't know. Am I? He thought I could have some PPD.
Today I finally opened the e-book from my friend and what do you know... I do have some PPD. Here's what he says:
Any of these symptoms during and after pregnancy that last longer than twoUm...okay so like everyday I cry, and my baby is almost two month. I can't carry on a conversation sometimes because first, it takes a lot of energy just to talk to someone and second, I can't concentrate long enough to say what I need to say. I don't want to make any decisions especially what to make for dinner, and I haven't done something with my friends in forever... not sure I even want to.
weeks are signs of depression:
• Feeling restless or irritable
• Feeling sad, hopeless, and overwhelmed
• Crying a lot
• Having no energy or motivation
• Eating too little or too much
• Sleeping too little or too much
• Trouble focusing, remembering, or making decisions
• Feeling worthless and guilty
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities
• Withdrawal from friends and family
• Having headaches, chest pains, heart palpitations (the heart beating fast
and feeling like it is skipping beats), or hyperventilation (fast and shallow
breathing)
Wow! I am depressed.... now what?
Now, I don't know what to do, where to go, or how to change. Help!
4 comments:
I had post partum depression after I had the twins. They were premature and spent two months in two different hospitals in two different states. After they finally came home, I let my work know I wasn't going back because I needed to be the full-time nurse for my children. It was such an extremely difficult time for me. Quitting my job meant that I no longer had health insurance. I had Post Partum depression for SO long, over a year, before I went to the doctor. Mostly because I was in denial for what was really happening to me. When I finally did go, I was diagnosed with Bi Polar. The BiPolar was a result of my elongated Post Partum depression, due to my body's hormones that were out of sync for so long. Ask your midwife or doctor for help. It's really worth it. I'm proud of you for reaching inside yourself to figure out what's going on, and that you're ready to take the first step to bettering yourself, because that's the most important part! Sending you my love!
Although I have no children, I do have depression... and I was like you and thought, no way! I don't feel like killing myself so I don't have depression... my OB/GYN was amazing and my medication has been truly helpful. I know you don't like a lot of medication but it's SO important to handle the problem quickly. My thoughts are with you.
If you haven't already, get thee over to the Segullah series about depression going on right now. I ♥ my FMHers, and it was the first blog that started to change my life back in the day when i discovered it (5+ yrs ago), but for depression and for general boost-for-my-soul, Segullah's been a life-saver for me.
I've struggled with the big D ferEVAH and it's no doubt a bummer. Especially since I didn't want to concede that I had it. But there is hope. And you can make it. Knowledge helps, but support (therapy/pharm) is often needed, depending on the situation at the time.
congrats on the sweetness of a new baby boy. one of my besties had her baby six weeks early and she's spent the last month in the nicu. she seems like she's going to make it but it's so scary to deal with the unexpected. so sorry you've had to struggle through the mud at a time when you just want to revel in the heavenliness of a newborn.
but it sounds like you're finding your way. and you're so lucky to have a faithful priesthoody hubby and daddy...that's one thing i dearly wish were part of my life.
you're one MoxyMama, girl! Hang in there. ♥
I just love that in spite of your own sadness, you were so wonderful to talk to on the phone the other night. You continually give to people, despite your own heartaches. I get depression. It sucks. I remember getting physically ill and thinking, this is so much better than depression!! You can take a pill for the pain, but depression is so much deeper so abstract, and yet so horribly present. It does help to identify that it exists, but the insidious part about it is sometimes we convince ourselves that we should be fine--and we expect too much of ourselves. Whereas if we have a fever or we throw up--we immediately hand off responsibilities and crawl under a blankie for some much needed relaxation.
Own that your body needs some rest and relaxation. Treat yourself. Take a break. Give to your body as though you were suffering from the flu. As you care for yourself--your body will care for you. In time. That's the other thing that sucks. Time. uggggh.
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