Me? PPD? Nah...

A couple of weeks after I had my baby I was reading one of my favorite blogs FMH and we were having a discussion on depression. I could clearly see that the people sharing their lives were depressed. I then asked myself, am I depressed? And, of course I said "No way, Jose!" I'm not. I feel fine. I can function, I can get out of bed, I can...um... take care of my family?. Ya, ya! I'm not depressed, plus depression is for wussies! I'm no wussy.

One of my online friends sent me an e-book on depression in that same time frame, so what almost 2 months ago. Cool, I thought. I'll read it see what it says.... and then...my baby was diagnosed Failure to thrive and I lost all sense of time and space. My whole life was/is consumed by my baby and first getting him to eat anything and second getting him to nurse. As my blog has documented it has been an emotional roller coaster.

Sunday was supposed to be my babies blessing and everything was going/heading in the right direction. It seemed that baby was nursing a little more things were getting better and then-- bam! The rug got pulled out from under me. He (my baby) decided that he didn't want my breast any more. I was crushed, absolutely completely crushed. I breast feed! This is what I DO!! I breast feed... does he not know? What is the problem? Then after that I just had a complete meltdown. I bawled and sobbed and bawled some more and then cried even more and then I just about died at the thought of having to entertain my family and my husbands family, decide what to eat, clean my house, and pump, and try to get the baby to nurse all in one weekend. We ended up canceling the blessing, but my family decided to still come down. My dad, oh my sweet father, knows ever so well when something is wrong. He can tell if something is wrong with you over the phone, even if you have a cheery voice. He will ask the question that me and my sisters love to hate....he says "you okay" and the tears come and you can't hold back what's happening with you anymore. Really I think he has a gift, or something, but he knew something was wrong and he came down.

On Sunday him and my husband gave me, yet again, another beautiful blessing. Before the blessing I chatted with my father and he asked me (very delicately) if I thought maybe I was depressed. I thought about it... well... I don't know. What is depression? I don't sleep all the time, I don't shove food down my gullet, I don't sit on my couch and stare off into the distance. No, I'm doing things.... so, I don't know. Am I? He thought I could have some PPD.

Today I finally opened the e-book from my friend and what do you know... I do have some PPD. Here's what he says:

Any of these symptoms during and after pregnancy that last longer than two
weeks are signs of depression:
• Feeling restless or irritable
• Feeling sad, hopeless, and overwhelmed
• Crying a lot
• Having no energy or motivation
• Eating too little or too much
• Sleeping too little or too much
• Trouble focusing, remembering, or making decisions
• Feeling worthless and guilty
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities
• Withdrawal from friends and family
• Having headaches, chest pains, heart palpitations (the heart beating fast
and feeling like it is skipping beats), or hyperventilation (fast and shallow
breathing)

Um...okay so like everyday I cry, and my baby is almost two month. I can't carry on a conversation sometimes because first, it takes a lot of energy just to talk to someone and second, I can't concentrate long enough to say what I need to say. I don't want to make any decisions especially what to make for dinner, and I haven't done something with my friends in forever... not sure I even want to.

Wow! I am depressed.... now what?

Now, I don't know what to do, where to go, or how to change. Help!