Dreams

So, the last few nights I've been having some crazy dreams. Normally it's some weird running from something or other, or stuck in a house with all these crazy staircases like in the optical illusions, but the other night I actually had a really good dream.

As most of my readers know I have been somewhat of a crazy lady these last few months. When I decided to stop pumping it was also encouraged by a good friend of mine, she also suggested, or rather, reminded me that I needed to find my sweetness of life. She told me that she heard once that women need to be creative to find joy in life. Well... what do I do with that? I don't know, so anyway I have been thinking about ways to find my sweetness and the other night I had the best dream. I don't remember all of the details but it all led to a certain point where I was being told but also dreaming that I needed to laugh more, and so in my dream someone (can't remember who) said something that made me roll on the floor with laughter. It wasn't the start snickering during a prayer and then start laughing type of laugh. It was full of love and joy and from my toes made me laugh and feel a sense of euphoria. When I woke up, you know that place where you're still sleepy but waking up, I was feeling good. Just laid there with a smile for a moment and then I was fully awake and some of the good feelings left.

So, now I am on a quest to laugh more. Don't know how that's going to be possible but there is so much drama in my life I need a good release.

This morning I woke up to a dream that I was in hiding. I was like a really cool person that was a secret agent and I was undercover and the bad guys were on to me. It was pretty cool and not as scary as the normal running from someone dream. I knew who my enemies were and I knew how to defeat them. I just had to make sure I didn't get caught.

I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I have been going on a Buffy marathon. Seriously, season 2 is pretty cheesy and I hope it gets better. Of course I suspected something was up with Giles, and his love interest too. I was right. Pretty predictable but decent enough that I keep watching. Maybe it is because I have OCD and once I start something like a series of any kind, be it TV or book, I can't stop until I'm done with the whole thing. I tried to fast forward but I couldn't because I was worried I might miss something.

Anyway....

Laughing... how does one go about that? (you know besides drinking and all)(I want the natural way).

Orka the BIG FAT WHALE

Um hum....

Bet you can't guess who I'm talking about?!

Let's see... um... ya, it's me and my flabby fat flab apron flap! Belch...

So, since I stopped pumping I swear to you I have gained at least 10 pounds. It's really gross because my clothes don't fit. You would think that when the chocolate doughnut calls my name I would ignore it because, well, that's what I've mostly (I say mostly because, let's be honest, who can NOT eat a chocolate doughnut)(and if you are one of those that can't... well curse you, curse you all to heck) been doing for the past 5 months. But NOOOOO... BIG FAT CHOCOLATE DOUGHNUT HAS TO GO DOWN MY BIG FAT MOUTH...

sigh...

But, hey, on the brighter side of things I am so not stressed any more. We went out to the hubsters parents cabin and had a wonderful time out there. I was SO together, AND I wasn't stressed at all. Normally I'm all "no, don't touch that! Hold still...I said, hold still! We're in the car, no stop kicking your broth...what did you do that for? why for the love?.. pull over the baby is puki...stop... I said STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!"

Ya, not this time. I was all, like "sure have another cookie. Actually eat the whole box. You want to get out of the car? Sure go ahead! Let's play a math game in the car. Let's count to 100. Oh, cute little baby.. look at you...gooo gooo! Well, we will be there at 12:15. See here's the cell phone so you can see what time we will be there. Get your p.j's on and put them in the dirty clothes bag, hold hands and lets all sing Kumbaya. Feel the love brothers and sisters feel the love..."

Um hum... that was me! I was like super ROCK star mom who loved her kids and only yelled like at 10 at night... ROCK ON!

Hubsters sister on the other hand... well, let's just say when the significant other is not around to help with the 3 kids EVERYONE suffers, including the in laws. She was the yeller this time, and I just sat there and thought... yep, been there, done that... did not want a t-shirt thankyouverymuch!

Moving on... I'm exercising. I go walking at 7 in the morning. One of these days I will be all Sarah Connor fit with incredibly hot arms and legs, and freaking awesome abs! Ya, one day!

I can dream!

ps annegb this is for you!

I'm Back!

Okay, so... ya I've been a bit crazy lately. Ya, I know shocker, right? Well, it's true. I've been crazy and now... and now I'm not crazy because I'm not pumping anymore. Woot! Woot! Cry! Cry! Breath!

Ya, I found a formula that my baby isn't allergic to and I'm so excited... plus it really helped that my friend who is basically my counselor told me that I need to stop because I am so emotionally and physically exhausted.

Of course she was right. I have been, and now...

Holy Smokes I feel like a normal woman again.

Baby is doing good, gaining weight, getting fat... and mom, Mom went on a walk on Tuesday, Wednesday and went for a bike ride this morning. Maybe I can get rid of the belly fat that seems to dangle around my middle. belch.

So, I'm back. You can expect happier posts from me now on, which is probably good because no one likes a whiner!

Rated R for a reason

In my religion we are encouraged to not watch rated R movies. I personally, well, for a long time now believed that there were still some really good rated R movies. You know, like the classic "Schindler's List", and "Saving Private Ryan". Good movies, but man, I'm telling you the trash out now makes me want to vomit in my mouth a little.

The hubster and I rented a movie from Redbox tonight. Nothing looked good to me so we picked a movie that my husband wanted to see, The Bad Lieutenant. In the first 5 min the f word was spoken more than I can count on my fingers and toes, then we see a drug addicted police officer who needs some cocaine so he starts stealing from people using his badge as means to get what he wants. He gets cocaine and has sex with someone he pulls over...

Ya, let's just say this is good quality media.

Belch..

More and more I'm not having much luck with the rated R's. I think the good ones are few and far between. I'm finding the advice of our prophets to be, well, very inspired. I'm tired of feeling icky after a really bad film. Mind you, I think some pg-13 movies are just as bad. I just want to see a good film. Something that inspires, heartfelt, even a good action flick, but this trash I'm done with.

What do you think about rate R's?

Oprah

I thought that maybe because all I do is talk about my life as a waste land that I would talk about someone elses life being a wasteland instead.

Today on Oprah she had 4 women, who at a young age were forced into marrying the minister Tony Alamo. The ages range from 15-9. A 9 year old. A freaking 9 year old. Not only did he marry her by saying some nonsense vows but then made her have sex with him. A 9 year old. I hope that bastard rots in hell.

Which, talking about Hell, if the atonement is there to help sinners repent how does it help a child molester? Does he really get forgiven? Will he ever be able to reach the highest degree of glory? And, then that just made me think of the whole when I knew better I did better scenario. Meaning, did he really know it was wrong?

But back to the 9 year old. My daughter just turned 10 and if there was ever a prophet that said I need your 10 year old to be my wife and if she isn't your whole family will go to hell, I would punch him in the face and find a new religion.

I mean really... really? You didn't know it was wrong to have your 9 year old sleeping with a 59 year old ugly, heeby-jeeby, man? You, the mother, didn't know that was wrong?

Pfff...

That just makes my blood boil a bit.

And then I think, let me see if I can clearly state this, that people in the church feel so much damnation that they follow blindly?... I don't know if that makes sense or not...

But seriously... a 9 year old. Not only would I punch him in the face but I would dare go for the ball sack...bastard.

Dear Blog, it's me again, you know Mrs. Complainer

Ya that's right. I should be happy and cherry and write a post about how wonderful my life with my husband is because yesterday was our 11th anniversary, but for some reason I just can't. That's right. I can't be happy because a) he's not here and b) he's going to a movie all by himself. He won't get a text halfway through his movie saying the baby is crying and he won't stop you need to come home now!

No, he will have a wonderful undisturbed movie while I sit at home and just brew over the fact that he is gone and I have four kids and woe is me schpeal that I have been spewing for the past 4 months. He will enjoy popcorn, and male bonding and all that jazz while I sit here totally pissed at the fact that he is gone on our anniversary weekend and I won't get anything, just like I didn't get anything for Mother's Day, just like I won't get much for Christmas, just like this is my life.

I decided after Mother's Day that I am done trying to find gifts for him. I'm done trying to make things special for him because he just doesn't do gifts, so quite frankly, why should I? Ya, Father's day is coming, and I'm not going to get anything. Maybe I will text him that morning and say Happy Father's Day, but that's it! I'm not going to even try to do anything for our anniversary anymore. It's to much work and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of putting my heart and soul into something to have it squished like an ugly yellow bug! So, there...that' me being pissy and vengeful, and spiteful.

See, can we just say bitch-tastic! Yes! I know I am mean, and shouldn't be putting this stuff on the Internet and why does he put up with a woman like that, like me?... and really I don't know why he puts up with me. Maybe he puts up with me because I put up with him. How's that.

I'm all upset because he is texting me saying he's going to a movie, the movie is about to start, and stop bugging him. Stop bugging HIM? HIM? I can't even go to the grocery store without him freaking because the baby is making a noise, a squawk, a peep, a cry. *rolls eyes*

And, after all that anger, really, I'm so sad that I feel so alone. Why don't you feel sad for me too. That would be nice. Rather than having a Lost party I could have a sad party and then maybe we would feel better together.

Crazy Train

I have a one way ticket to crazy town riding on my very own crazy train. Yes folks! I'm craaaaaaazy!

Hubster went out of town again. It's really good that he has a job, but it really sucks for my social life which is, by the way, nonexistent. I really shouldn't complain, I mean, really I was the one that decided that I wanted to have another kid. I know, I told you I was on the crazy train.

It always takes me a day or two of completely zoning out before I can get into the groove of him being gone, but today I can't (zone out that is). I have to go to a program at the school for my 8 year old. I mean, really, why do we have programs so late in the year. I want to just check out and enjoy the fact that there are only a couple more days until school is out.

We ordered an inflatable water slide for the kids. My friend has one and I have been wanting to get one for a long time and finally I did. It won't come until next week or so, but we are excited to start using it. The only problem is this stupid weather. It's been so...dumb! It will warm up for 2 days and then a storm will come through, then it will get really cold, then warm up again, then cold again, then warm again, then cold...well you get the picture.

Hopefully we will have a summer.

This pumping thing, though, I'm really truly starting to struggle with it. I love that I can make milk for my little baby. I love that he likes my milk, but it's getting to a point where it's almost more of a hassle to pump then to go to the store and buy some formula. We haven't checked again yet to see if his allergies have gone down. It sure would be nice.

I think that I have resigned myself to the fact that he won't nurse. It doesn't matter what time of day I try he still doesn't like it. I have been telling myself for a while now that I will just try for one more month, or until he's four months old, or 5 months and I will stop pumping. In July he will be 6 months and I think (honestly this time) that July is about as far as I can go. June is even pushing it.

I know my heart will still hurt when I'm done. It hurts even after a year of nursing (but normally I'm so done with it that it seems easier to let go). This time, though, it will be particularly painful. For a while I had hope that once he got bigger he would fancy the breast, but he just doesn't.

Sniff....