Ray of Sunshine

I love the Sunshine. It's great to go out side and have the warm rays of the sun beating down on you filling you up with goodness. There were two days this week that I got to go out and enjoyed the sunshine. It was wonderful.

However, I wanted to talk about another type of sunshine. When my parents were here a few weeks ago, maybe it was a week, I don't know everything is blending into one day, my Dad gave me a father's blessing. It was so wonderful and full of very inspiring words. I thought the blessing he was giving me was telling me it was time to let go, to stop trying to breast feed or pump or to stop doing what I was doing. At least one could certainly interpret it that way. I did let go at first, but then I discovered that my baby was allergic to EVERYTHING!! Yes, I said EVERYTHING! Very frustrating but also comforting.

Anyway, in the blessing my father said or he blessed me that the people who could help me would be put on my path. The interesting thing is they were. The reason I thought he was saying to let go is because there was a sister in my ward who went through the same thing and struggled with letting go. As one of my previous posts mentioned I have been very prideful about the whole breastfeeding thing, as was this sister I am talking about. We chatted and she gave me some good insight and so I figured, well, she's here must mean that I need to let go (or in my mind 'give up').

So I gave up/let go then found out his allergies and decided to continue pumping to give him something he wasn't allergic to, and to my pleasant surprise, there are people that have been through the allergy phase too and they have been placed on my path. Seems the choice was always mine and whatever I chose to do the Lord would provide the support I needed.

Thanks Tiffany, for being a blog stalker and sharing what you have been through. There is a ray of sunshine and it just keeps getting brighter, and thanks everyone else for praying, supporting, and grieving with me. I love my sisters out there! I love that women can do that for each other.

Today, the sun is shining again and I will survive! 'I WILL SURVIVE la la la la la, I will survive"... ya, anyway... lots of love to you all out there! Here's to a new day!

Quiet Time

It's quiet in my house, well except for the dishwasher that is running and the extremely loud fridge... honestly I think it's dying a slow death. I never realize how loud it is until it stops humming and I can hear the quiet.

Anyway, it's quiet and I am left to my thoughts, which today are pretty good.

Let me tell you my weekend.

Late Friday night I decided I wasn't going to pump anymore. Saturday and Sunday I was in misery trying to try out my milk and while doing that I was trying to find a formula that my son could handle. Turns out he's allergic to milk, soy, and corn. Do you want to know what baby formula's are made up of? Milk, soy, or corn syrup. He's allergic to all of them, even the really expensive kinds.

Ya, fun times.

So, after talking to my friend that has helped me through this crazy time with baby, I decided that my milk is free, and I can eat food that he isn't allergic to that will help his system heal, and get stronger.

So, um, ya...

Pumping again.

Which, is so much better than the pain I was feeling at letting my milk dry up so soon. I think my boobs are in shock. First it's pump, pump, pump, second it's dry, dry, dry... I got a 1/2 oz today, which is better than the droplets I got yesterday. Hopefully I will be producing much more this go around. My friend let me borrow her Medela Breast pump and that baby has some power.

You want to know the best thing about all of this? I have to eat right. I have to! No corn syrup, milk, wheat, or soy (boo hoo) for me, but you want to know what I see in my future? A healthier skinner me...

So, back to pumping it is.

Early

It's 6:22 in the morning.

After many tears, gut wrenching sobs, I have decided to let go of breast feeding.

I can't sleep.

And, I assume, I will be crying for days.

Letter to the Man upstairs

Dear God,

Why does it have to hurt so Damn much? Why can't women who want children have children? Why do women who take crack cocaine have 4? Why do women get sick when they are pregnant? Isn't childbearing supposed to be a blessing? Why is it so hard to find a mate? Why, for the love of all that is holy, does my child not want to nurse? Why is that something that is such a struggle? It should be so natural. Why is there this ache in my heart? Why do I feel so alone? It hurts... I know my brain understands and knows that it will all be okay, but God, my heart hurts! It's ripping me in two. Can someone please just come and take the pain away?

Sincerely,
Me

(today it hurts and probably tomorrow, and the next day. eventually all will be well in the world, but for today it hurts.)

Fishing Trip

So, next weekend my husband has his annual fishing trip. The men in our ward go down to Jacob's lake and go fishing for the weekend. He went the first year we moved here and he loved it. He goes every year and this year it is quickly approaching. To fast... to soon.. and I don't want him to go.

Sitting here crying just thinking about him being gone for 2 nights and 3 days. If I ask him to stay he would, but he would resent it the whole time. Not to my face, of course, because he is better than that, but secretly I know he would just hate not going.

After all someone needs to escape this dark whole I call my life, why not him? I'm so not looking forward to it... I don't know if my sanity will survive, or my kids for that matter. I don't know what to do because he needs a break too, but who is worse off? Me staying with the kids while he is gone enjoying the sunlight, and the male bonding while I am here, not sleeping, crying, pumping, dealing with kids that I just want to toss right out the window....

Maybe today is a really bad day because I went to bed at 1030-11 and baby woke me up at 5. I had to pump and feed him the bottle and he didn't go to sleep until 630, which was nice that he finally went to sleep, but then I had to get the other kids up at 700 because it takes a whole freaking hour to GET. DRESSED. IN. THE. MORNING! and eat breakfast. and now I'm sitting at the computer with tears streaming down my face because baby won't take a nap, I'm tired, I'm absolutely devastated that he won't nurse, not even suckle any more, and I hate my life! All I can think about is my husbands leaving, soon it will be Easter where I get to see my wonderful sister in law nursing her perfect little baby, while I deal with the pain in my heart, the stabbing, aching pain in my heart because my baby won't nurse.

As Nacho Libre so wonderfully put.... "IT SUCKS TO BE ME RIGHT NOW!"

Oh, and I really don't want my husband to go on the fishing trip!

Really...

Really, really...

Really!

Me? PPD? Nah...

A couple of weeks after I had my baby I was reading one of my favorite blogs FMH and we were having a discussion on depression. I could clearly see that the people sharing their lives were depressed. I then asked myself, am I depressed? And, of course I said "No way, Jose!" I'm not. I feel fine. I can function, I can get out of bed, I can...um... take care of my family?. Ya, ya! I'm not depressed, plus depression is for wussies! I'm no wussy.

One of my online friends sent me an e-book on depression in that same time frame, so what almost 2 months ago. Cool, I thought. I'll read it see what it says.... and then...my baby was diagnosed Failure to thrive and I lost all sense of time and space. My whole life was/is consumed by my baby and first getting him to eat anything and second getting him to nurse. As my blog has documented it has been an emotional roller coaster.

Sunday was supposed to be my babies blessing and everything was going/heading in the right direction. It seemed that baby was nursing a little more things were getting better and then-- bam! The rug got pulled out from under me. He (my baby) decided that he didn't want my breast any more. I was crushed, absolutely completely crushed. I breast feed! This is what I DO!! I breast feed... does he not know? What is the problem? Then after that I just had a complete meltdown. I bawled and sobbed and bawled some more and then cried even more and then I just about died at the thought of having to entertain my family and my husbands family, decide what to eat, clean my house, and pump, and try to get the baby to nurse all in one weekend. We ended up canceling the blessing, but my family decided to still come down. My dad, oh my sweet father, knows ever so well when something is wrong. He can tell if something is wrong with you over the phone, even if you have a cheery voice. He will ask the question that me and my sisters love to hate....he says "you okay" and the tears come and you can't hold back what's happening with you anymore. Really I think he has a gift, or something, but he knew something was wrong and he came down.

On Sunday him and my husband gave me, yet again, another beautiful blessing. Before the blessing I chatted with my father and he asked me (very delicately) if I thought maybe I was depressed. I thought about it... well... I don't know. What is depression? I don't sleep all the time, I don't shove food down my gullet, I don't sit on my couch and stare off into the distance. No, I'm doing things.... so, I don't know. Am I? He thought I could have some PPD.

Today I finally opened the e-book from my friend and what do you know... I do have some PPD. Here's what he says:

Any of these symptoms during and after pregnancy that last longer than two
weeks are signs of depression:
• Feeling restless or irritable
• Feeling sad, hopeless, and overwhelmed
• Crying a lot
• Having no energy or motivation
• Eating too little or too much
• Sleeping too little or too much
• Trouble focusing, remembering, or making decisions
• Feeling worthless and guilty
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities
• Withdrawal from friends and family
• Having headaches, chest pains, heart palpitations (the heart beating fast
and feeling like it is skipping beats), or hyperventilation (fast and shallow
breathing)

Um...okay so like everyday I cry, and my baby is almost two month. I can't carry on a conversation sometimes because first, it takes a lot of energy just to talk to someone and second, I can't concentrate long enough to say what I need to say. I don't want to make any decisions especially what to make for dinner, and I haven't done something with my friends in forever... not sure I even want to.

Wow! I am depressed.... now what?

Now, I don't know what to do, where to go, or how to change. Help!

I'm drained

Ya, that's right... totally and 100% drained. I have cried so many tears I could make my own river. I had to postpone our baby blessing because I am so stressed and sick and tired and so is my baby. My sister had plans to come down and 'get away' from her life and she was pretty upset that I was canceling. I apologized for it being so late (blessing is on Sunday) and she said it was okay, or rather, that she would be okay after she threw herself a pity party. I told her I cried the river upon which she will float. It's called the river of Pity... I think I even made the boat that she will float on. How's that for cool?

Some of you reading might think: for crying out loud Sunshine, just feed your child a bottle. Sure would be easier (actually he does get a bottle, but we are still trying to bring him to the breast), but it seems it would be easier to just stop pumping, stop stressing, stop crying and get on with it.....

Somehow and for some strange reason I can't yet (although I think the Lord has revealed some things to me about why). I can't stop trying, I can't stop pumping, and I can't stop crying, but through it all I think I have come closer to two people. My husband, and my father in Heaven. My husband has been the bomb! Total stud muffin of a man and so compassionate and loving and caring and gentle, ever so gentle. I have read the scriptures, prayed and received blessings, and it wasn't until my good friend told me that reading the scriptures entitles me to revelation, that it all made sense. Duh! That's why we read the scriptures. Not to find out how to nurse better, or how to stop smoking, or how to be nice to your neighbor (although that one is in there) it entitles us to receive direct communication from God. He can speak to me. He can tell me who to call, what to read, what to buy, how to love, how to lean on my husband, how to speak to him through the Holy Ghost and how the Holy Ghost speaks to me. It's amazing really, the scriptures. Guess the guy in charge isn't all that bad, although sometimes I wonder if he isn't up for reassignment some time. :D

So, I will continue to cry, to pump and to love, to stress, to read, to pray in hopes that my son will soon fancy my breast again.

All in all this..... stuff... I am going through only lasts but a moment in time, and really, thank God for God because with out him I would be bald and in a mental hospital.