Hospitals... I hate hospitals

The past couple of days my 1 month old has been really weird. He hasn't been eating very well so I called my midwife and she said she thought he had a sore throat. Finally, after eating from a bottle, kind of nursing, a couple of hours crying, we went to the hospital.

I thought we were there because he had a sore throat. After 2 hours, a throat culture, a urine sample, and me denying a chest ex-ray so she can see if he has pneumonia (which there are absolutely NO symptoms to even think he has pneumonia) the Physicians Assistant finally answered some of my questions. I thought he had a sore throat, finds out my son is what they call Unable to Thrive Baby, which basically means he is starving, not getting enough to eat. I bawled... I'm starving my baby. I'm starving him and I had no idea. He's been crying because he's hungry, I put him to the breast he eats a little bit and then pulls himself off. I thought he might be gassy, upset stomach, sore throat... no he's starving. He's not eating and come to find out he's not nursing well.

When the PA told me I choked back some serious tears. I keep telling myself to keep my head on. You can cry when you get to the car, I told myself. I asked more questions, and got answers. I need to supplement and go to my Ped Dr. tomorrow. Okay... okay... I can handle this, I thought, keep asking questions. Be calm, be cool, don't let your voice crack (why I have no idea).

I walked out of the Hospital... I hit the sliding doors and I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. They came streaming down my face. I'm not a bad mom, I thought. I didn't know he was starving. I should have known. All the signs are there. My husband even mentioned him not gaining weight, my Mother in Law even said something about him being so skinny. I just blew her off because sometimes she makes those 'oh- you -don't- know- what- you're- talking- about comments. Turns out, she was right. I didn't listen. I didn't listen because he was still nursing, not long, but still eating. I thought he was fine.

I was starving him. He wouldn't let me put him down in his crib to sleep because he was starving. I had no idea.

I know I'm not a bad mom.. I know it in my heart, I'm not blaming myself, I'm not beating myself up, but damn, I had no idea he was so hungry.

Now, I'm have such mixed emotions because he might not nurse anymore. He hasn't suckled all day and tears are stinging my eyes just thinking that he might be done. I have nursed my other kids until they were one. I didn't even get a good month of suckling, it's heart breaking, really!

My midwife gave me the neatest contraption. She told me they use it for preemies. Its a container that has little tubes attached to it. The tubes lay on the breast and milk goes in the container. It is supposed to give more milk for less sucking. I tried it tonight... either it was my breast or the milk that was in the container because he would have none of it.

After I tried breastfeeding tonight I asked my husband to give him a blessing. First we prayed where I poured out my soul to the Lord thanking him for the comfort I have received this day, and praying that he would give me the strength to overcome this frustrating time. My husband gave him a beautiful blessing. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Pray for me.