The Funk

About a month ago a really good friend of mine told me she has been planning her RS lesson for November. She picked a really good subject, and right now all I know is that she picked something to do with being in a funk and ways that you can return from that. She asked me if I would like to share a time in my life where I was in a funk/religious funk and what I did to overcome it.

I have been racking my brain for the past month. I know I am in a funk. Sundays come and I think to myself: do I really have to go to church today. I don't want to. I go even though I don't want to and I find my self sitting in Sacrament wishing that I would have stayed home. Sunday School is a complete waste of time. No one, and I am not exaggerating here, no one knows what the teacher is talking about. He can't complete a sentence and has extremely long pauses after every 5 words. Having my eyes dug out with a spoon would be more entertaining and less painful than Sunday School. RS is probably the best meeting of all of them.

So, anyway I have been asked to share an experience. I don't really live in the past. I don't hold a lot of grudges. I mean, I totally get angry and once I have resolved the issue it is over and done with and doesn't really find its way back to my plate, so to go back in my life and try to find when I was in a funk is like... trying to decipher hieroglyphs, just ain't going to happen.

The problem with using my funk right now, is, I haven't overcome it yet. So, inside this church how do you tell a not picture perfect story? Well, I decided that I wasn't supposed to because if I feel this way then certainly someone else does to.

So, here is the beginning of my story: (most of you readers know parts of it because I posted a lot online when I was going through it.)

My funk happened 6 weeks after I gave birth to my 3 son, 4th child. At six weeks I thought he was sick. He wasn't nursing and he was crying a lot and I just didn't know what to do with him anymore, so we went to the emergency room. After a urine test, and throat swab and some other poking and prodding the doctor came in and told me that nothing was wrong with him, or rather, he wasn't sick but she was going to diagnose him as a failure to thrive baby. Well, in my mind failure to thrive equaled I was starving my baby. It took every fiber of my being to hold in the sobs that were on the edge of overtaking my body. I had to keep my cool in that office. This doctor was not going to see me cry. The tears stung my eyes because in that moment the past 6 weeks were clear and all I could see was how I was starving my baby and I didn't even notice. I felt so guilty, so horribly utterly guilty. What would have happened had I not gone into the doctor? Did it harm my baby? I'm a horrible mother. How? How could I not know what was happening. I have 3 other kids.

As soon as I checked out of the hospital and got to my car I sobbed gut wrenching sobs. I was starving him and I, me, his mother, didn't even know. I'm not a bad person. Only silly stupid people do this... but me? Me? I would never do such mean and awful things to my baby. Never, but I did.

I had to take him to his real doctor on Monday and he told me after each nursing session I should follow with a bottle. Well, once that baby got the bottle he didn't want anything else. He completely rejected me and what I had to offer him, well, at least it felt that way. For the next 4 months I tried so hard to get that child to want to nurse. Some might think I'm crazy because we have bottles. Just let go already and give him a bottle, it's okay. I couldn't let it go. Nursing is the only time that my little ones really want and need me, you know, like really... they need my boob. Somehow I was getting everything mixed up in my head and I felt like such a failure at not being able to nurse. My other 3 were wonderful. Took right to it no problems whatsoever. Every time we were with my husbands family and I saw my sister in law nurse her daughter that is 2 months older than my son, my heart hurt that much more. A knife to the chest would have hurt less.

I tried so hard. I read my scriptures, I prayed, I had priesthood blessings, surely something in there would tell me what to do. Surely the Lord would just send me the message, "Sara, stop! You aren't a bad person, just let go". I know on some level that He was trying to tell me that during the blessings but I just couldn't hear it. I couldn't understand everything that was happening. All I kept thinking was, it's just not fair. Why? Why me? Why now? Why????

Then all of a sudden my baby was 6 months old. I was talking to a friend of mine and she asked me why I was still pumping and suggested that maybe it was time to let go. At that point I was so exhausted from everything I had been doing that I stopped, but I didn't just stop nursing. I stopped everything. I stopped eating well, stopped taking my vitamins, stopped caring about money, stopped really caring if I went to church or not, stopped treating myself well. I just gave up, which is really hard for me to admit to because I don't quit. There is a lot I have done in my life and quitting isn't something I've ever allowed myself to do, so when it happened I couldn't tell what was going on. I just knew that I didn't care anymore. Things didn't matter to me and I found myself loving Diet Mountain Dew.

Now, if you were to ask me a year ago to drink it I would have told you that it was created by Satan in a means to drag you down to hell, or at least make you really sick. I don't drink pop. I don't, never really like it, but it made me feel better. It made my day go a little more smoothly and I starting wondering if I should do something about it. I tired to stop, but I couldn't. I wasn't ready to really deal with the pain. I tried to address it so I went through my normal emotions: Anger, anger I know. I wasn't angry. Sadness I know, I wasn't sad. Feeling not enough is something I know and I kind of felt that way but there was something more than just not enough and I couldn't put my finger on it until 1 week ago.

I was sitting in my bed reading the New Testament and all I could think of was how I needed to write down what I was going to say so that I had a good flow and so that it wouldn't seem like I was preaching. People don't need preaching, well, I don't need preaching. I need love, I need understanding, I need acceptance and not preaching so I started writing and all of a sudden, through the writing I finally pinpointed it. It took me long enough. I'm sure all of you can already see that I had given up, but to realize it, to accept is another thing completely.

Once I admitted it, I cried. Yes, finally I know what's wrong with me.

Then the questions started. How could I give up on everything? Why would I give up?

Well, because it was painful. It hurt so much that I found a special place in my heart to put the pain and then I closed the box, locked it and threw away the key vowing that that box would never be opened again because I was over it. I'm fine now, everything is fine. I didn't know what to do with this pain. I have never felt pain like this before and so, rather than deal with it I stored it away. Things really started to eat at me. I noticed how judgmental I was sitting in Sacrament listening to the same crap over and over again. You need to do this and your life will turn out perfectly. belch... total crap. I just thought I was having an off month. I tried to be all Christ like and just love them but that wasn't working either. I tried to read my scriptures but I really didn't care.

Not very many people understood what I was going through. Like a good normal Mormon woman is there were a lot of people that tried to cheer me up and give me advice, but it still hurt. I called my sister who has been trying for a child for 3 years. I sobbed and said if this is a sliver of the pain you feel in not having a child of your own I weep with you. It hurts to see others have what you so desperately want and no matter how hard, or how much you pray, or how righteous you are there is nothing you can do about it. Not a dang thing.

I have put myself through the wringer. I have looked back so many times and thought of all the things I could have done better, or right, or whatever and then the outcome would have been different. I could have tried longer, I could have called the nursing specialist at the hospital, I could have, could have could have... probably would have still turned out this way. I wish I would have had a crystal ball. Maybe that would have helped.

After my friend asked me to share my experience I thought I should at least try to find my way back, so I started reading the New Testament. In Matt there is, I think, 3 vs about the women who had the disease of the blood, and she new if she could just reach out and touch the Saviors robe that she would be healed. She just wanted to touch his robe. Sometimes its the robe that I grasp for. If I can just touch it... if I can just have the seam, or a piece of string then I can hold on, and.... that is what I'm doing. I'm holding on. I'm learning the importance of forgiveness from the Lord and mostly, forgiveness from myself. I have put myself through the wringer and it's time to forgive, time to love, and time to be ever so gentle. I know the Lord loves me. I have never doubted that, my way has just been a little clouded.

Weddings

Disclaimer: most of the stuff in this post is purely in my head. I have a wonderful life, a wonderful husband and this post just goes on to prove how absolutely crazy women can be before they get the once a month visitor. I don't REALLY believe it to be true even though it felt true in the moment. Please don't judge me or my husband for any actions that happened or will happen. Thank you!

One of my all time favorite shows in Wedding Crashers. I first saw it a couple of years ago when my husband was working out of town. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Funn.yyy. After I saw it my husband and I watched it together and I laughed some more. We both thought it was funny and laughed together.

Well, yesterday my nephew got married to a cute girl from Vegas. They got married on a golf course and had a cute reception. Of course they had some really fun dancing and partying and, when there is a dance floor, I just can't help myself... I have to join in the fun. Of course, I think I look more like Elaine from Seinfeld with her funky heel kick and thumb toss, but I have fun doing it.

They played a song, and I can't remember the name of it, but it's the song where you have to do what the guy on the song is telling you to do... you know, one stomp, to the right, to the left, swing? Ya, they played that song.

Well, at that point I just stepped off the dance floor because I was hot and sweaty and figured I would let the younger folk do the dancing. There is one point in the song where you have to see how low you can get to the floor doing a booty shake. Let me tell ya, there were some pretty talented and sexy hot women on the dance floor. The clothing (no judging here) was pretty revealing, strapless dress, short, tight. Showing off sexy hot legs, skinny abdomen (you can tell she has never had kids) perky boobs (no nursing for her) I mean really, sometimes I wish I had the bod to even be comfortable in a dress like the one this girl was wearing.

Anyway the whole 'how low to the ground can you go?' turned out to be a good thing for just about every man in that room. I mean, I was even staring at her but I'm a girl so I can. (right?) After she went pretty low, shaking her freaking fine a...bum I felt about 2 inches tall, especially when I turned to look at my husband who was totally checking her out... I swear it was trying to get any peak he could...(and seriously, so was everybody else) (even the oldies)(she was that fine)...

But on this day, at that moment, I couldn't handle how totally fat and ugly I felt. I felt so dirty, so... I can't even find the right word, that I grabbed my shawl and covered up. I sat down after I put my shawl on and looked at my husband again. He knew that I saw him check her out (we kind of actually joke about things like that... like I said normally doesn't even faze me) and he tried to make it all better by flashing me the 'I love you sign'. Normally I'm fine with the looks. I mean, I look at guys too and notice a sexy fine guy. Like, the other day: hubsters and I went to see Wallstreet: Money never Sleeps with Shia Lebuf and the best part of that movie was to see him in his underwear. Ya I looked.

So, why did it matter? I seriously almost vomited in my mouth. Maybe it bothered me because I'm a woman and what do I do best? I put things in my mind that don't even belong or were never intended to be present. In that one look my husband gave that freaking-hot-sexy-dancer-girl I filled it with all of these horrible, negative thoughts: "man I wish my wife moved like that. What? Can she even see her feet? I Can't believe I married that person. Dude, my wife has gotten old and seriously ugly. Why doesn't she do something about that inner tube that has permanently taken up residence around her waist? I mean really, she ought to do something about that. Do I see underwear? "

That's why I had to put the shawl on. Now, listen, if I heard my very best girlfriend complaining about this I would probably slap her across the face and tell her she's being and idiot. So... no need to inform me of my idiocies. I know I'm silly, and self absorbed and the like...

I blame it one the baby.

He really screwed me up!

But, if you saw his freaking adorable dimples, you would melt too.

Oh! and I also blame it on the visitor! If she ever does in fact come......

/sigh/

In conclusion: Wedding Crashers=funny. Feeling like your husband is a character in the Wedding Crashers=totally sucktastic!

Acai Berry

Have you heard about it? It is supposed to help with weight loss. My sister sent me a link about it and that they were having a free trial period and recommended that I try it. Me, being totally obsessed with my weight lately got on line and ordered it. There was a story about a woman who tried it and lost 10 pounds in the first week. I thought it was impressive, but figured it wouldn't happen that quick for me because my body is weird like that, but still I ordered it.

Lucky for me I'm smart, well, kind of, and I made sure that I read the fine print. I have ordered enough 'free' stuff that I realize if you give them your credit card number they have it on file and in order to give you such a good deal they charge you for your next months supply before you have a chance to cancel. Well, the fine print said I had 10 days of a free trail period. I also gathered that 10 days meant from the day you place the order not the day you receive your product. That should have been a red flag, no? I mean, it takes longer than 10 days to even get something in the mail.

Well, I put my phone alarm on so that on day 7 I would remember to cancel my product as to make completely sure I was not charged. Well, on day 7 I hadn't even received said product. So I called the 800 number, talked to someone who doesn't speak very clear English, and complained that I wanted my 10 day free trial and that I haven't received my product and that they should give me my whole 10 days. Well, the lady gets back on the phone and says I'm sorry there isn't anything we can do about that. I show that it shipped on such and such date and you should have called by day 5 (which was on a Sunday) so we could extend the 10 day trial. I was livid. Asked for a supervisor. Complained to the supervisor about it, still nothing done. I told them to cancel my account and hung up the phone.

The next day I get an alert from my credit card company telling me that they suspect fraud. A charge for $87.47 was pending and was this indeed a true charge? I called the company again, and made sure that everything was canceled, and they told me it was. I called my credit card company and told them the situation. Apparently the charge has to process before it is labeled as fraud.

Well, I was talking to my sister today. Apparently she wasn't so lucky and got charged the full amount. Her husband, who is super duper fab with checking out ANY product before he purchases it, does a google search on the company. You guessed it, complete scam. Looks like I was one of the lucky ones who read the fine print and canceled in time.

Oh, but the best part of this, the thing that got my attention the most was the phone call I got 2 days after I bought the product. A man called telling me he was from the company and would I like to get a special offer on this product and only pay $30 instead of the $87.47. He went on about how I would only know how good it was unless I tried it for more than a month. Hum... okay he was a good enough salesman that I thought sure, I'll try it. So then he repeated my info to me. My name, address, phone number. It was all correct, well, then he asked me for my credit card info...

What the??

Um, well, you should have that on file because I saw the fine print that said you will be charged x amount of dollars and they only way you will be charged x amount of dollars is if you keep that info in your computer.

Nah, not gunna' do it. I told the man I was going to get on his website get the 800# and call the company to verify they had this offer. Of course he tried spewing all sorts of hot air up my ass about how this offer isn't online and I needed to buy it now or I wouldn't get the good deal.

Radar...not biting...

I told him no and hung up the phone. Five mins later he called back. I told my husband not to answer the phone but he did. The stupid dumb face told my husband that I had to make a decision. Well, my husband promptly told him I had made my decision and I would not be buying it and then told him never to call back.

That's when I knew it was a scam but figured there wasn't much I could do about it. So glad I read the fine print.

Oh, and the product, ya well it has 200 mg of caffeine in it. Talk about completely jacked up on caffeine. So needless to say I spent 5 dollars on a very expensive Mountain Dew. Oh well, at least it wasn't $87.

Midwifery

As many of you know I have had all 4 of my babies at home. My journey with midwifery started 10 years ago. My best friend was pregnant with her first baby and she decided she was going use a midwife to bring this child into the world. I thought it was awesome and I kind of rolled the idea around in my own head. At the time I wasn't sure that I could handle having a kid at home, but through many wonderful circumstances it ended up that my first was born at home with the help of a midwife. After that my 3 other kids were born at home.

Each time I was pregnant I thought about becoming a midwife. It scares me to even think about it. It really truly does. You are helping a child come into this wonderful, scary world. I never felt like the timing was right, and I kind of just chalked it up to one of those things that interests me but never could happen, but then something happened....

During my pregnancy with my 4th child I found a wonderful midwife close to where I live. I chose her because she works with 2 other midwives. She has a midwife for the mom, a midwife for the baby, and a midwife for the midwife. I loved this concept. Also something I really loved was after I met with her she told me to go home and pray about them being my midwife, AND they would pray about having me as a patient. Another score! I love that they want to pray about it. Of course include the Lord in such a wonderful experience. As I was leaving one of my appointments with her/them I started thinking (again) about becoming a midwife. I thought how awesome it would be to work with them and could actually see myself doing it. It gave me a little butterfly in my stomach.

After I had my little tyke my midwife came over to check on me and the baby. We started chatting about this and that and then she asked me if I had ever thought about becoming a midwife. "Sure," I said with excitement, but then I confessed that it scared the crap out of me because it was such a huge responsibility. She agreed with me profusely, and then admitted that after one of our appointments she turned to her daughter (midwife that she works with) and said, "Can't you see her working with us?" Both of them agreed and then told me this at this appointment. I got so excited. I wanted to start right away, but of course my midwife knows what it is to raise little babies. She told me to spend time with my little guy and enjoy it. A couple of weeks ago I saw her and she asked me if I wanted to come to a birth with her in Nov. A birth? Already? Yes! Yes, I do!

A couple of days ago my husband and I were watching Netflix. Lately I have really enjoyed the Documentaries and I found one called "The Journey of Birth". Mostly it was hoorah for midwives, but it was so intriguing. It showed a birth, the whole thing vagina and all, and all I could do was cry.

One woman described what it was to have a natural (no interventions) birth, or to her a home birth. What she said rang true for me. I had a friend ask me why I have my babies at home and all I could say was because... but now I know why.

Actually, there isn't just one reason. The lady (sorry can't remember her name) on the show described what happens to a woman during labor. She reaches a point where she finds herself between a rock and a hard spot, I call this quitting time. It is the time in which I say to everyone around me "That's it I quit! I'm done! Everyone go home I don't want to have this baby anymore." Once you realize there is no backwards step to take you push through. It will be, and is the hardest thing you/I have every done or will do, but the reward, the sense of accomplishment... it's more than accomplishment it's relief, power, joy, release is so empowering I can't even describe it to you. That is why I do it. That is why I have my babies at home. Not to mention it is incredibly helpful on the pocket book.

Next month I start meeting with the two other midwives and the mothers to be. I'm nervous. I'm wondering what will happen with my kids. Who will watch them, will it work out, will my husband support me, and then my stomach does the flip flops.

A part of me wonders if this will curb some of my desire, need to have another child. Who knows. We'll see.

Vicious

Obviously it has been some time since I've posted. I wish I could say that I am super busy. I'm not. I really don't have one of those really good reason to not blog. I just find that I'm so bored all of the time. Everything bores me. Reading bores me, typing bores me. The only thing that doesn't seem to bore me is playing mahjongg on facebook, which if you saw how many times I have played that game it would disgust you.

Sometimes I feel like I am the 8 month old. Go here, look at that, get bored with that, pick up a piece of paper, put it to my mouth, no that tastes nasty, put it back on the floor, try it again in hopes it might taste better the second time, what is that a fly? Why is there a fly on my arm? Oh, that's right I was going to clean the house, what's a house? How many numbers are in 3,567,890,998,983,325? Why am I sitting here again? Dinner? Who's cooking dinner and why isn't it done yet? I'm hungry.

Then I'm playing ping-pong with my weight and it's really starting to frustrate me. Honestly I don't eat a lot of crap. I don't eat a gallon of ice cream every night. I exercise, eat whole grains, oatmeal, millet, blueberries, salad, veggies and I still haven't let go of any of this weight. I'm starting to wonder if there is something else happening in my body that I am unaware of. It's really getting me down. Like, seriously getting me down, especially because I am exercising and that's supposed to help right?

Maybe it's because I'm 32, have 4 kids, and found a passion for couponing so maybe buying and eating fruit gushers is the problem, although that was only today that I ate the gushers.

Oh and 'grandma' came to visit, which always makes me onry with myself and makes it harder to think that i am beautiful....

sigh...

Now, that's What I'm talking about

BOOO YA!!!!
Now, that's what I'm talking about! Here
Have as much fun as I did!

It's called.....

....an over the shoulder boulder holder, and yes my dear if your boobies are bigger than a size c you NEED no, not just need, MUST wear one, especially if you go to the grocery store wearing a sleeveless shirt and your boobs are sitting on your lap while you are standing.

Yes, I saw a lady walk into the grocery store today, what, probably a size F (at least) with them sagging low... you know kind of funny, but a song comes to mind:

Do your boobs sag low
Do they wobble to a fro
Can you tie 'em a not
Can you tie 'em in a bow
Can you sling over your shoulder
Like a continental solider,
Do your boobs sag low?

I'm all for walking around the house in some freedom. Heck, after hauling mine around all day I love to release them at bedtime, but never, and I mean never, would I walk into public place with my hooters hitting my stomach fat. Ewwwwwe, gross! *belch*

And, I know what you are thinking. She's old, right? Nope, probably in her late 50's. That's not old enough to go, "oops, forgot my bra today". No, you have to be at least in your late 70's before you can pull that one. She didn't even have gray hair. Shudder...