Weddings

Disclaimer: most of the stuff in this post is purely in my head. I have a wonderful life, a wonderful husband and this post just goes on to prove how absolutely crazy women can be before they get the once a month visitor. I don't REALLY believe it to be true even though it felt true in the moment. Please don't judge me or my husband for any actions that happened or will happen. Thank you!

One of my all time favorite shows in Wedding Crashers. I first saw it a couple of years ago when my husband was working out of town. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Funn.yyy. After I saw it my husband and I watched it together and I laughed some more. We both thought it was funny and laughed together.

Well, yesterday my nephew got married to a cute girl from Vegas. They got married on a golf course and had a cute reception. Of course they had some really fun dancing and partying and, when there is a dance floor, I just can't help myself... I have to join in the fun. Of course, I think I look more like Elaine from Seinfeld with her funky heel kick and thumb toss, but I have fun doing it.

They played a song, and I can't remember the name of it, but it's the song where you have to do what the guy on the song is telling you to do... you know, one stomp, to the right, to the left, swing? Ya, they played that song.

Well, at that point I just stepped off the dance floor because I was hot and sweaty and figured I would let the younger folk do the dancing. There is one point in the song where you have to see how low you can get to the floor doing a booty shake. Let me tell ya, there were some pretty talented and sexy hot women on the dance floor. The clothing (no judging here) was pretty revealing, strapless dress, short, tight. Showing off sexy hot legs, skinny abdomen (you can tell she has never had kids) perky boobs (no nursing for her) I mean really, sometimes I wish I had the bod to even be comfortable in a dress like the one this girl was wearing.

Anyway the whole 'how low to the ground can you go?' turned out to be a good thing for just about every man in that room. I mean, I was even staring at her but I'm a girl so I can. (right?) After she went pretty low, shaking her freaking fine a...bum I felt about 2 inches tall, especially when I turned to look at my husband who was totally checking her out... I swear it was trying to get any peak he could...(and seriously, so was everybody else) (even the oldies)(she was that fine)...

But on this day, at that moment, I couldn't handle how totally fat and ugly I felt. I felt so dirty, so... I can't even find the right word, that I grabbed my shawl and covered up. I sat down after I put my shawl on and looked at my husband again. He knew that I saw him check her out (we kind of actually joke about things like that... like I said normally doesn't even faze me) and he tried to make it all better by flashing me the 'I love you sign'. Normally I'm fine with the looks. I mean, I look at guys too and notice a sexy fine guy. Like, the other day: hubsters and I went to see Wallstreet: Money never Sleeps with Shia Lebuf and the best part of that movie was to see him in his underwear. Ya I looked.

So, why did it matter? I seriously almost vomited in my mouth. Maybe it bothered me because I'm a woman and what do I do best? I put things in my mind that don't even belong or were never intended to be present. In that one look my husband gave that freaking-hot-sexy-dancer-girl I filled it with all of these horrible, negative thoughts: "man I wish my wife moved like that. What? Can she even see her feet? I Can't believe I married that person. Dude, my wife has gotten old and seriously ugly. Why doesn't she do something about that inner tube that has permanently taken up residence around her waist? I mean really, she ought to do something about that. Do I see underwear? "

That's why I had to put the shawl on. Now, listen, if I heard my very best girlfriend complaining about this I would probably slap her across the face and tell her she's being and idiot. So... no need to inform me of my idiocies. I know I'm silly, and self absorbed and the like...

I blame it one the baby.

He really screwed me up!

But, if you saw his freaking adorable dimples, you would melt too.

Oh! and I also blame it on the visitor! If she ever does in fact come......

/sigh/

In conclusion: Wedding Crashers=funny. Feeling like your husband is a character in the Wedding Crashers=totally sucktastic!