I think it's been a long time coming. It's something I've needed and something that I am still resisting. I was put back into the young women as a floater of sorts. I help where it is needed, but the thing is, they don't really need me. I think, somehow, I need them. I don't like admitting that I need anyone especially young women. The week that I got sustained and attended class we start learning music for Night in Excellence. At first I was kind of asked to be a part of the music, but then it turned out someone else was really in charge. Ego punch. I know that I'm not that good, but I know music and know how to play the piano (so in my mind that makes me a pro). They used someone else. She did a fine job. The music was beautiful and had some really great messages in it, but I wanted to do it.
I resisted feeling the spirit. I resisted crying when it hit home, when the music said something I so desperately needed to hear. I ignored it because all I could see was how my talents weren't being used. Selfish, self-centered brat I am--
Now, it's getting hard to push the spirit away. Last year the YW did an amazing Night in Excellence program that was written by Jenny Phillips. It has a lot to do with the pioneers, (something else I like to ignore) anyway, they were asked to put the program on for the Stake as a fireside. It is some dang good music and it's getting harder and harder to resist the spirit espeically when you hear words like "joy is in the journey", or "to many people are just sliding by, plugged into the world but missing the meaning of life"... cough, cough... um...
He wants to touch my heart and make me cry and I don't want him to. He wants me to know that my life isn't always the hell hole I make it out to be and mostly he wants to remind me to have a hope in Christ that has been shoved into the deep caverns of my soul. When I hear the song "Joy is in the Journey" I want to rebel even further, but somehow the music touches me.
I still feel unused, but slowly, I'm letting the light back in. I know I miss Him, and I hope he misses me. For some of us hard headed idiots it takes a while before we realize that we really do believe in the Atonement and the Savior.
2 comments:
This post reminds me of a story by Carlfred Broderick. Do you ever read his work? He has written some really awesome stuff.
Maybe God needs you to focus on something else right now, rather than a demanding church calling -- maybe there's someone He needs you to serve that you can help without needing an official calling to find.
You certainly seem to me to be a very capable, talented woman with a lot to give.
Beautiful sentiments, Sarah. Interesting how your own talents that are a gift from your Father (music) end up being the catalyst for opening your heart to spiritual promptings. I guess He does know what He's doing, even though we like to think we know better. And clearly, I'm pointing the finger at me. Just so you know you're not alone, I've had many, many, WAY TOO MANY TO COUNT times where I've felt passed over and set aside when it comes to callings. And though it sounds cliche, it is true nonetheless, that out of small and simple comes that which is great and marvelous. The smallest things I've done have ended up changing my heart faster and more completely than I ever expected. Once again, He knows what He's doing. Love you~
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