I was sitting in sacrament on Sunday, listening as the 2nd counselor began to bare his testimony. It seemed to start off well. He spoke of his testimony of the Savior, of the gospel of Joseph Smith, and then he got all chocked up when he started talking about his recently returned missionary son.
I thought, okay, sometimes they have really amazing stories lets see what this is all about. He started off telling us how his son met this young man and began teaching him about the restored gospel. This young man was not LDS and was taught from a very young age to pray. He had a prayer in his religion that was recited every morning. He didn't give the specific prayer so I'm not sure what he was saying/praying, but to the missionaries he was praying all wrong. I know some religions have a repetitive prayer that is recited everyday and because the young man was reciting this particular prayer everyday the Missionaries felt it was their obligation to help this young man see the light. So, the young missionary and his companion decided that if this young man wasn't going to stop saying this prayer they had to take action, and thus, they took this young mans prayer from him.
Literally! Yes, they took it from him.
They took the sheet of paper that had the prayer on it. They told him that this isn't the way that 'we' pray and that he should 'let go' of this prayer that has practically meant the world to him. The young missionary in all his arrogance told the young man that he would find something to replace it with. According the the missionaries father the young missionary prayed to the Lord asking him for guidance. He felt what he had done was right and needed to find something better to take the place of this young mans prayer.
So he prayed and prayed and struggled finding something to put in it's place. It was getting closer to the baptism of this young man and the missionary still hadn't found anything to replace the prayer with. So, by the sound of the fathers account, the bishop wrote him a letter and gave him some guidance.
How happy the father was that his son listened to his bishop. How proud he was that he followed his priesthood leaders, and how proud and utterly emotional he was that his son taught this young man what prayer was really about. *rolls eyes*
I wanted to vomit!
Seriously! He couldn't have just simply praised the young man for praying. He was probably praying more than most members do. No, they had to tell him he was wrong for saying a repetitive prayer and physically remove the prayer from the young mans presence. By all means, let's add more fuel to the fire and tell all other religions how stupid and wrong and inappropriate their prayers are.
It made me sad because I think the missionary missed a great opportunity to learn something beautiful from some other religion (of course 19 year old boys know everything) (what am I thinking?). He could have done a number of things, one of which I think he should have praised the young man for praying everyday, let him use his same prayer and then showed him (if the young man didn't already know) how to communicate on a more personal note with Heavenly Father. Such a great opportunity was missed.
Now, as an aside, I only got the fathers interpretation of what the son told him so I could be missing some great detail, but the way the father went on about how proud he was that he showed this young man how to pray just baffled me. Well, baffled and slightly disgusted me.
What can you do?
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Holy Junk!
I just went to the most intense PTA meeting I have ever attended. I can still feel my pulse beating, and the anxiety making my stomach do flip flops.
So... let me tell you what just transpired at our wonderful meeting. I have worked with and for the PTA for the past 3 years. Of those 3 years a great many women and men have added to the PTA funds so much so, that we have a great amount of money in reserves. The year that I was treasurer we ended up with 17,000 remaining in the checking account. Pretty darn good considering the economy, don't ya think?
Well, our PTA board this year has proposed that after the money that they have made and spent they wish to use $7,000 of the reserves. Okay, so, seems a little steep, but still reasonable--kind of, then on top of the $7,000 they want to spend an additional $4,000 more to hire a paraprofessional art teacher for a 3 month period.
So, in essence, in one year they propose to spend $11,000 of the reserve fund leaving next years PTA with a starting amount of approx $5,000.
Nice...
They told our Principal that the PTA had so much money in their account that if they didn't spend some of it the PTA would lose our Tax Exempt status. I don't think so. Have you ever heard of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or The Boy scouts of America? Pretty sure that they have more than $25,000 in their account--and I'm sure they are still a non profit organization. Not to mention that according to the State PTA treasurer handbook it is recommended that the PTA have 1/2 to 1 full years amount of income in the reserve, which is precisely what we have now.
My friend and I have decided that we have a difference of ethics? morals? values? We believe in the power of saving, they believe in the power of spending.
So we clarified and fought the position of the importance of a reserve fund. We have no idea what the economy will be like. This money we have now could last us 1 year, or another 3 years depending on how we save and spend it.
Now, I don't have a problem with the arts. I love the arts, there is never enough arts involved in school, but lets make this work with the budget we have on hand. What can we cut? What can we do so we aren't spending $11,000 in one year.
So... it ended up with them getting $1,000 out of the reserve and finding the rest in their 'padded' budget. I say padded because that is what they first called it and then we asked them to use some of the padding and then they took it back saying they were going to spend that money, but that it was still padded... okay not so sure what that means, but whatever.
Guess I'm happy with that.
Oh, and I made someone cry (shut up! I didn't do it on purpose) .
Me: Uh-- okay--you're crying. *In my mind* I didn't even call you fat and ugly and stupid, I just said that my checking account was not in question here, it's the PTA funds, so, um, ya, you're crying. Piss...
Her: You don't even know how much I work for the PTA and the hours I put in, and if you had $22,000 in your account wouldn't you want to spend it?
Me: blink blink! Really? You want me to answer that question?
Oh well, we weren't really friends to begin with. She made that crystal clear after I tried let her know her efforts are not going unnoticed . Allllllllrighty then!
My goal for tomorrow: who can I make cry?
No, not really-- unless you want me to make you cry. Apparently I do that very well and the very best part... it was a talent I didn't know I had.
***Apparently I told 'Her' that she hadn't even been here--meaning involved directly with our schools PTA and that's what made her cry-- 'cept I can't remember having said that.
So... let me tell you what just transpired at our wonderful meeting. I have worked with and for the PTA for the past 3 years. Of those 3 years a great many women and men have added to the PTA funds so much so, that we have a great amount of money in reserves. The year that I was treasurer we ended up with 17,000 remaining in the checking account. Pretty darn good considering the economy, don't ya think?
Well, our PTA board this year has proposed that after the money that they have made and spent they wish to use $7,000 of the reserves. Okay, so, seems a little steep, but still reasonable--kind of, then on top of the $7,000 they want to spend an additional $4,000 more to hire a paraprofessional art teacher for a 3 month period.
So, in essence, in one year they propose to spend $11,000 of the reserve fund leaving next years PTA with a starting amount of approx $5,000.
Nice...
They told our Principal that the PTA had so much money in their account that if they didn't spend some of it the PTA would lose our Tax Exempt status. I don't think so. Have you ever heard of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or The Boy scouts of America? Pretty sure that they have more than $25,000 in their account--and I'm sure they are still a non profit organization. Not to mention that according to the State PTA treasurer handbook it is recommended that the PTA have 1/2 to 1 full years amount of income in the reserve, which is precisely what we have now.
My friend and I have decided that we have a difference of ethics? morals? values? We believe in the power of saving, they believe in the power of spending.
So we clarified and fought the position of the importance of a reserve fund. We have no idea what the economy will be like. This money we have now could last us 1 year, or another 3 years depending on how we save and spend it.
Now, I don't have a problem with the arts. I love the arts, there is never enough arts involved in school, but lets make this work with the budget we have on hand. What can we cut? What can we do so we aren't spending $11,000 in one year.
So... it ended up with them getting $1,000 out of the reserve and finding the rest in their 'padded' budget. I say padded because that is what they first called it and then we asked them to use some of the padding and then they took it back saying they were going to spend that money, but that it was still padded... okay not so sure what that means, but whatever.
Guess I'm happy with that.
Oh, and I made someone cry (shut up! I didn't do it on purpose) .
Me: Uh-- okay--you're crying. *In my mind* I didn't even call you fat and ugly and stupid, I just said that my checking account was not in question here, it's the PTA funds, so, um, ya, you're crying. Piss...
Her: You don't even know how much I work for the PTA and the hours I put in, and if you had $22,000 in your account wouldn't you want to spend it?
Me: blink blink! Really? You want me to answer that question?
Oh well, we weren't really friends to begin with. She made that crystal clear after I tried let her know her efforts are not going unnoticed . Allllllllrighty then!
My goal for tomorrow: who can I make cry?
No, not really-- unless you want me to make you cry. Apparently I do that very well and the very best part... it was a talent I didn't know I had.
***Apparently I told 'Her' that she hadn't even been here--meaning involved directly with our schools PTA and that's what made her cry-- 'cept I can't remember having said that.
Friday, November 19, 2010
#2
And... now it's time for #2. Earlier than I expected, but totally pleased as punch! Wish me luck!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The Beginning
My phone was gently tucked into my bra so that if it rang or vibrated I would be able to grab it in a seconds noticed. I got the call last night. She's in labor, it's kind of slow and she wasn't sure if she wanted the baby at her house or her mother in laws house (mother in law is the midwife I work with). Sit tight and we will call you back with more info.
Sit tight? How does one sit tight with a baby on the way? Husband and I were in the middle of rearranging our family room to fit the new TV we bought. I couldn't concentrate. I wanted to be there. After a few min I sent a text to Midwife 1 asking what had been decided, and apparently I am an impatient person. I'm sure you didn't know that, but I am. :D My husband told me to calm down and if there was any change she would let me know. You would have thought I was having the baby.
I had to keep myself busy for about an hour. I made myself eat because I figured it was going to be a long enough night that if I didn't eat now I wouldn't eat at all. Before I picked my son up for Karate I had the urge to get my bag ready, my water(drinking water), my purse and my jacket and took it with me. I was halfway to Karate when I got the official 'time to come' call. Dropped my son off and headed to my first birth.
It's an interesting place to be in here on the other side. I see and know everything she is going through and can't do a dang thing to make it better. Birth comes from the woman making the toughest decision of her life--push the baby out! She screamed, cursed and finally baby boy was born. I think I had more anxiety than the mother did, but it was beautiful and totally FREAKING awesome to see a woman go through all of that and survive, and that baby--I just wanted to gobble him right up.
It was amazing to watch the mother and daughter midwives work together. The choreography couldn't have been planned they just knew what to do, when to do it and how to do it without saying a word. They worked in such great harmony that I felt slightly out of place. I'm the dissonance to their harmony. The note that is almost there but hasn't quite made the transition from a flat to natural. I am honored to be apart of it and I reiterate my previous feelings of these midwives that came to the birth of my son. They are amazing women.
Sit tight? How does one sit tight with a baby on the way? Husband and I were in the middle of rearranging our family room to fit the new TV we bought. I couldn't concentrate. I wanted to be there. After a few min I sent a text to Midwife 1 asking what had been decided, and apparently I am an impatient person. I'm sure you didn't know that, but I am. :D My husband told me to calm down and if there was any change she would let me know. You would have thought I was having the baby.
I had to keep myself busy for about an hour. I made myself eat because I figured it was going to be a long enough night that if I didn't eat now I wouldn't eat at all. Before I picked my son up for Karate I had the urge to get my bag ready, my water(drinking water), my purse and my jacket and took it with me. I was halfway to Karate when I got the official 'time to come' call. Dropped my son off and headed to my first birth.
It's an interesting place to be in here on the other side. I see and know everything she is going through and can't do a dang thing to make it better. Birth comes from the woman making the toughest decision of her life--push the baby out! She screamed, cursed and finally baby boy was born. I think I had more anxiety than the mother did, but it was beautiful and totally FREAKING awesome to see a woman go through all of that and survive, and that baby--I just wanted to gobble him right up.
It was amazing to watch the mother and daughter midwives work together. The choreography couldn't have been planned they just knew what to do, when to do it and how to do it without saying a word. They worked in such great harmony that I felt slightly out of place. I'm the dissonance to their harmony. The note that is almost there but hasn't quite made the transition from a flat to natural. I am honored to be apart of it and I reiterate my previous feelings of these midwives that came to the birth of my son. They are amazing women.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
New Discovery
So, I discovered something about myself while I was at Young Women's today (yep that's right got called back into YW's as an assistant adviser..pff, whatever the hell that means). Anyway, I discovered that since I have had my 4th child I am so impatient. Oh my crap the meeting we had today dragged on foooooooooorrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvveeeeerrrrrrrrr. Yes, I said forever and we spent 5 mins talking about how either you can burn Jenny Phillips music or you can't and maybe we should just rip it for the girls and you said burn, no I was talking about the sheet music not the cd, but you said burn, no you said burn...........
Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Who the heck cares, either rip it, burn it, or copy it--M.O.V.I.N.G. O.N.!
I hate meaningless meetings. I start convulsing because we talk about crap that doesn't matter and I really don't care what color your shoes are (I mean they cute and all, don't get me wrong, but....ah) and I just don't do 'nothing' very well (okay except for watching my shows which technically isn't nothing, but more of a zoning out and nobody is talking to me and I'm normally multitasking while watching the show. Yes, eating ice cream and watching Young Riders is totally multitasking--back off).
So, ya, I'm impatient. I am having a very difficult time keeping up with the blogs that I read because I get a sentence or two into them and blah blah... I'm already thinking about my grocery list. (now listen I'm talking very public blogs, not my good friends personal blogs).
What's wrong with me?
I'm not sure YW's is where I need to be because my foul potty mouth has just gotten worse and, you know, some of those potty words really shouldn't be heard by such sweet innocent young ladies. I think my filter is broken or something.
Yada yada... yes I know I should probably be there because I'm slightly depressed, I don't care, and I'm angry, so maybe this is the Lord giving me a smack down.
I think he needs to smack harder because--not so sure I'm getting it just yet, and not sure I care so much!
I know that I should care so at some point I will care, but I don't know when that will be.
Oh and I didn't even go into the fact that my personal ego is so big right now that if people don't automatically worship the ground I walk, see all of my wonderful talents AND humility (like uber humility) they are no longer my friends. That's right--total black list baby! BLACK LIST!
If you looked at me right now you might be reminded of the bobble head dolls that's how big my ego is. Seriously, if I wasn't me and I was somebody else looking at me, I would totally be bugged by me. Like, dude... get over yourself.
So there...
Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Who the heck cares, either rip it, burn it, or copy it--M.O.V.I.N.G. O.N.!
I hate meaningless meetings. I start convulsing because we talk about crap that doesn't matter and I really don't care what color your shoes are (I mean they cute and all, don't get me wrong, but....ah) and I just don't do 'nothing' very well (okay except for watching my shows which technically isn't nothing, but more of a zoning out and nobody is talking to me and I'm normally multitasking while watching the show. Yes, eating ice cream and watching Young Riders is totally multitasking--back off).
So, ya, I'm impatient. I am having a very difficult time keeping up with the blogs that I read because I get a sentence or two into them and blah blah... I'm already thinking about my grocery list. (now listen I'm talking very public blogs, not my good friends personal blogs).
What's wrong with me?
I'm not sure YW's is where I need to be because my foul potty mouth has just gotten worse and, you know, some of those potty words really shouldn't be heard by such sweet innocent young ladies. I think my filter is broken or something.
Yada yada... yes I know I should probably be there because I'm slightly depressed, I don't care, and I'm angry, so maybe this is the Lord giving me a smack down.
I think he needs to smack harder because--not so sure I'm getting it just yet, and not sure I care so much!
I know that I should care so at some point I will care, but I don't know when that will be.
Oh and I didn't even go into the fact that my personal ego is so big right now that if people don't automatically worship the ground I walk, see all of my wonderful talents AND humility (like uber humility) they are no longer my friends. That's right--total black list baby! BLACK LIST!
If you looked at me right now you might be reminded of the bobble head dolls that's how big my ego is. Seriously, if I wasn't me and I was somebody else looking at me, I would totally be bugged by me. Like, dude... get over yourself.
So there...
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Way too Heavy
So, I seriously need to get off this heavy kick. It's kind of bumming me out. It's all... serious and stuff!
The weather here has been amazing. It's almost to hot to wear pants. Yes, that's right and I don't live in the desert. Well, technically I do because all of Utah is a Desert, but it's supposed to be all snowy and stuff where I live. I'm not complaining, at least I don't think I am. I like both warm and cold. Notice I didn't say HOT! I don't like hotter' en hell places. Ya, it's amazing I survived Las Vegas. I like a nice San Diego 70 degrees year round. Love that place!
Reorganized my storage room downstairs. Maybe one of these days I will take a photo and post it. I'm so pleased with my little storage room and how I have been able to add to my shelves by, basically, using free money. That's right COUPONS! It's the love of my life right now, except, I don't know if I'm saving or spending because I really like to shop.
Last night after I put the kids down for bed I headed to the store and met two of my friends there. We walked around, talked, compared, it feels like Black Friday every week! I love it! What was really nice about this trip is I discovered that another one of my coupon friends loves Black Friday too and we might hook up, if we can. Sweet for me! While Black Friday shopping you need all the help you can get. WOOT WOOT!!!
Sigh....
So, Black Friday is coming up. .. oh, ya, and Thanksgiving too (cuz I know you didn't know that *wink*). I'm gunna eat me some pumpkin pie, lemon meringue, and what ever else I can shove down my throat because I'm cool like that. Yep, that's right, I said it. I'm so totally freaking cool when I shove wonderful, glorious food down my throat!
And some rolls... and a little turkey...and lots and lots of potatoes!
You wanna come with me so you can see how cool I am?
To bad... not invited, except if you don't have a place to go then you are more than welcome to come down here.
So, anyway....
sigh...
The weather here has been amazing. It's almost to hot to wear pants. Yes, that's right and I don't live in the desert. Well, technically I do because all of Utah is a Desert, but it's supposed to be all snowy and stuff where I live. I'm not complaining, at least I don't think I am. I like both warm and cold. Notice I didn't say HOT! I don't like hotter' en hell places. Ya, it's amazing I survived Las Vegas. I like a nice San Diego 70 degrees year round. Love that place!
Reorganized my storage room downstairs. Maybe one of these days I will take a photo and post it. I'm so pleased with my little storage room and how I have been able to add to my shelves by, basically, using free money. That's right COUPONS! It's the love of my life right now, except, I don't know if I'm saving or spending because I really like to shop.
Last night after I put the kids down for bed I headed to the store and met two of my friends there. We walked around, talked, compared, it feels like Black Friday every week! I love it! What was really nice about this trip is I discovered that another one of my coupon friends loves Black Friday too and we might hook up, if we can. Sweet for me! While Black Friday shopping you need all the help you can get. WOOT WOOT!!!
Sigh....
So, Black Friday is coming up. .. oh, ya, and Thanksgiving too (cuz I know you didn't know that *wink*). I'm gunna eat me some pumpkin pie, lemon meringue, and what ever else I can shove down my throat because I'm cool like that. Yep, that's right, I said it. I'm so totally freaking cool when I shove wonderful, glorious food down my throat!
And some rolls... and a little turkey...and lots and lots of potatoes!
You wanna come with me so you can see how cool I am?
To bad... not invited, except if you don't have a place to go then you are more than welcome to come down here.
So, anyway....
sigh...
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Talky Talk
Today I talked to my friend who asked me to share my story about 'funky town' in church on Sunday. I wanted to know more of what she was looking for because nothing is worse then getting up after a wonderful lesson and totally derailing the whole thing by saying something so random and so... off the wall that even the spirit leaves the meeting because he's bored or stunned!
Anyway, we talked and I asked for clarification. Seems like she wants more than just a funk story. She wants to know what I have done, or did, to fill my vessel so that when the time came and I needed to dip into that vessel I would know what to do, or rather, have the strength to do it.
Hum...
Well...
Crap!
So, now what do I say?
The other day I had a great texting conversation with a fantabolus friend of mine. I really love this chick. She's my soul mate girlfriend. I get her and I think she gets me. Anyway, we are both in a bit of a funk and we are struggling with our inner demons. (Yes, I have inner demons, and don't be all judgy because I know you do too.) I won't admit all of the really 'not so good choices' I could be choosing right now because, well, they are really not so good and they are something that I don't really share with all ya'all. YouknowhatI'msayin'? They are my secrets that I will keep to myself, but man oh man, Satan sure knows them and he's been working extra hard on me.
Funny, they aren't BIG things. I don't want to steal a million dollars, have an affair, or start smoking pot. No, they are just those teensy, tiny, little pain in the freaking arse everyday temptations that are like, slapping me in the face. Everyday there is a thought to partake of one or more of them.
What the crap?
Whose the boss here? Ya... me...so... wtc?
I never really understood the analogies that describe Satan as being very sneaky. He doesn't have you killing somebody first... no, he starts with the teensy, tiny, things, and things you don't even recognize as being evil, or Satan like. No, he plays dirty. Hard core dirty!
A little heartbreak (okay not to bad) coupled with more heartbreak and some daggers of 'see your not good enough' (k, still alive) then he pulls out the battle ax that literally cuts you right in half because you just happen to be the dumbest, most gullible person on this big planet, and really it's your fault that your body isn't doing what it's supposed to do, or look like it's suppose to look (ya, not recovering). You are now stuck in dumbfounded depression. Depression that you don't even realize because you are still alive but so stuck in the quick sand mud that you start to feel pretty comfortable (have i lost you yet?)
Anyway, the point is that he is clever, and he can get you to leave your spouse, have an affair, look at porn and start smoking pot all because of a little pain. Man, seems like he's got it easy.
I have been living in "I don't care land" for way to long. I go to church and get bored. I don't go to Sunday School because the teacher sucks HARD CORE and I go to RS because it's just about the best meeting all day. I get frustrated with Testimony meeting because no one really shares their testimony about Christ just how they took a trip to the Bahamas to watch there son who served a faithful mission, marry in the temple to a girl who cans, cleans, and wants 10 children like yesterday. belch...
So, Sunday I went to church with a different attitude. Well, maybe it was the same "I don't care", but now I don't care that I'm not getting anything out of church. I don't care that everyone thinks they are perfect because we all know that they aren't, and I don't care that I'm a loser. This is where I need to be. It seems like such a mundane task, but if there is anything I know about mundane, I know it's something that must get done no matter how boring, or stupid, or repetitive. Eventually you find joy in the mundane. I love my house clean and what is not mundane about cleaning house? I love my laundry done. I love homework finished, kids in bed, etc.
Right now, church is mundane, but somehow, somewhere, sometime (like General conf) Church i.e. The Gospel, will be and has been the balm of Gilead for my soul, and that is what I need. Since baby boy was born we stopped saying family prayers, stop reading scriptures, and somehow I can tell. He's 10 months now and every time I send the kids to bed without a prayer it feels like something is missing, so I started that mundane task again. I started reading from the New Testament. I started to live again.
The thought occurred to me the other day that Heavenly Father was weeding his garden. I wonder if He is separating the wheat from the tares? And then I asked myself, where do I want to end up, and let me tell you. I've had a look at some of those tares and I certainly don't want to be there. So... I have to start caring. I have to start choosing the light, becoming the light, feeling the light, even though it feels so dark where I'm at.
It's a process and I know it won't happen overnight. My husband tells me all the time "Sunshine, you can only eat an elephant one bite at a time." I'm taking the first bite. I'm going to church. I got my temple recommend interview on Sunday, and we started saying our prayers at night.
There are so many of us that find ourselves in the deep dark abyss. Let's join hands and help pull each other out one step at a time, one bite at a time.
Anyway, we talked and I asked for clarification. Seems like she wants more than just a funk story. She wants to know what I have done, or did, to fill my vessel so that when the time came and I needed to dip into that vessel I would know what to do, or rather, have the strength to do it.
Hum...
Well...
Crap!
So, now what do I say?
The other day I had a great texting conversation with a fantabolus friend of mine. I really love this chick. She's my soul mate girlfriend. I get her and I think she gets me. Anyway, we are both in a bit of a funk and we are struggling with our inner demons. (Yes, I have inner demons, and don't be all judgy because I know you do too.) I won't admit all of the really 'not so good choices' I could be choosing right now because, well, they are really not so good and they are something that I don't really share with all ya'all. YouknowhatI'msayin'? They are my secrets that I will keep to myself, but man oh man, Satan sure knows them and he's been working extra hard on me.
Funny, they aren't BIG things. I don't want to steal a million dollars, have an affair, or start smoking pot. No, they are just those teensy, tiny, little pain in the freaking arse everyday temptations that are like, slapping me in the face. Everyday there is a thought to partake of one or more of them.
What the crap?
Whose the boss here? Ya... me...so... wtc?
I never really understood the analogies that describe Satan as being very sneaky. He doesn't have you killing somebody first... no, he starts with the teensy, tiny, things, and things you don't even recognize as being evil, or Satan like. No, he plays dirty. Hard core dirty!
A little heartbreak (okay not to bad) coupled with more heartbreak and some daggers of 'see your not good enough' (k, still alive) then he pulls out the battle ax that literally cuts you right in half because you just happen to be the dumbest, most gullible person on this big planet, and really it's your fault that your body isn't doing what it's supposed to do, or look like it's suppose to look (ya, not recovering). You are now stuck in dumbfounded depression. Depression that you don't even realize because you are still alive but so stuck in the quick sand mud that you start to feel pretty comfortable (have i lost you yet?)
Anyway, the point is that he is clever, and he can get you to leave your spouse, have an affair, look at porn and start smoking pot all because of a little pain. Man, seems like he's got it easy.
I have been living in "I don't care land" for way to long. I go to church and get bored. I don't go to Sunday School because the teacher sucks HARD CORE and I go to RS because it's just about the best meeting all day. I get frustrated with Testimony meeting because no one really shares their testimony about Christ just how they took a trip to the Bahamas to watch there son who served a faithful mission, marry in the temple to a girl who cans, cleans, and wants 10 children like yesterday. belch...
So, Sunday I went to church with a different attitude. Well, maybe it was the same "I don't care", but now I don't care that I'm not getting anything out of church. I don't care that everyone thinks they are perfect because we all know that they aren't, and I don't care that I'm a loser. This is where I need to be. It seems like such a mundane task, but if there is anything I know about mundane, I know it's something that must get done no matter how boring, or stupid, or repetitive. Eventually you find joy in the mundane. I love my house clean and what is not mundane about cleaning house? I love my laundry done. I love homework finished, kids in bed, etc.
Right now, church is mundane, but somehow, somewhere, sometime (like General conf) Church i.e. The Gospel, will be and has been the balm of Gilead for my soul, and that is what I need. Since baby boy was born we stopped saying family prayers, stop reading scriptures, and somehow I can tell. He's 10 months now and every time I send the kids to bed without a prayer it feels like something is missing, so I started that mundane task again. I started reading from the New Testament. I started to live again.
The thought occurred to me the other day that Heavenly Father was weeding his garden. I wonder if He is separating the wheat from the tares? And then I asked myself, where do I want to end up, and let me tell you. I've had a look at some of those tares and I certainly don't want to be there. So... I have to start caring. I have to start choosing the light, becoming the light, feeling the light, even though it feels so dark where I'm at.
It's a process and I know it won't happen overnight. My husband tells me all the time "Sunshine, you can only eat an elephant one bite at a time." I'm taking the first bite. I'm going to church. I got my temple recommend interview on Sunday, and we started saying our prayers at night.
There are so many of us that find ourselves in the deep dark abyss. Let's join hands and help pull each other out one step at a time, one bite at a time.
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