How do you make Joy out of Hurt?

I have debated and debated on writing this post. There might be some of my family that reads my blog unbeknown to me, so I worry that I might hurt someones feelers, however, I feel like I can finally write about it.

In January we remodeled the kitchen. Oh my crap that was kind of a stressful moment for me. My kitchen, the heart of my home, was torn out and there was no sense of order. I have recently discovered that I enjoy having order in my home. Well, it was in chaos. Lots of it, and it just so happens that the week we finally get our counter tops installed I get sick. Not just cough, cough sick, but lay flat on your back, have a fever of 102, coughing, sore throat, headache, feeling like you just got hit by a bus and then back over by a freight train, kind of sick. It was awful. I hated it, and thus, I was in bed. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything and I had a really hard time taking care of the kids. Luckily my mister was home to help out that week Heavenly Father decided it was best for me to be sick.

We were expecting the counter tops any day and finally we got the call that they were ready to come and install them. Well, the kitchen had to be prepped again. The stuff that was in the cabinets and the tables that were on top of the cabinets all had to be removed. That was the worst day of my illness and I couldn't do a damn thing to help my husband. I thought it would be a good idea for him to call his mother and ask her if she could come up for the day and help out with the kids so that Mister could 1. clean the messy kitchen. 2. get the kitchen prepped 3. help them install the counters without the wonderful help of a 1 year old and 5 year old.

He called her and she said no. My heart dropped a little. I asked him her reasoning and from what I could gather (my husband isn't spectacular with details) the information I heard was that she had a lunch party to go to, and later that evening she had to help in the temple (in the dressing room). At first I thought, okay I guess that makes sense, but the more I thought about it the less I could fathom her reasoning. I was so incredibly ill I could barely stand. My mister really, REALLY needed help in the kitchen and with the kids and she said no.

Now, here is a little background and I only give you this so maybe you might be able to follow my hurt feelings. My sister-in-law and her mom have a mom/daughter relationship like I have never known. They care about each other, daily. They call and talk and mom goes to help daughter whenever she needs it. Mom takes grand kids so that stressed out daughter can have a break.

That is not the relationship I have with my mother-in-law. She doesn't take the kids unless I ask, she doesn't call to check on me, she doesn't come and help whenever I ask her to, and rarely does she come to visit unless there is a birthday party, or something else 'important' happening with the kids, and that's painful.

About 5 years ago my husband and I moved from Las Vegas to Southern Utah for work. The work that we choose and accepted made it so that he works away from home anywhere from 3-6 months out of the year (home on weekends). It isn't the easiest thing I have ever done, and honestly sometimes really sucks, but we do it. He loves it and I support him in doing what he loves. When we first moved here my SIL was living about 5 min. away. We hung out, talked, really built a relationship. It was nice. She invited MIL to come and visit often, and she did. Never staying at my house, and never riding with me when we went somewhere to hang out, shop or go to lunch. There was one time we decided to go to dinner. Me, alone, with my 3 kids. 5-3-1 in my car. My SIL, her husband, her 2 kids, and my MIL, in their car. She was 'helping' my SIL. That's when it started to hurt. Really? I'm yelling, fighting, and strapping in 3 kids, while SIL, MIL and BIL, strap in 2 kids and head on out.

What do you say?

Then, to make matters worse, one or both of SIL's 2 kids would eventually go home with grandma because SIL needed a break, from what I have no idea Her husband came home every night. Over and over that happened and all I could do was watch.

What do you say?

Within this past year I have begun to realize that I don't need to make things comfortable, or happy, or sure, sure no problem don't worry about me I'll be ok, anymore. I'm tired of doing that, especially when it hurts so damn bad. There are things that have transpired between my mom and dad this last month, and I didn't make it all happy and comfortable for them. They hurt me and it's okay for me to be hurt and to take time to heal from the hurt that I have felt.

The first 6 months of my babies life were hell on wheels for me. I asked my MIL if she could come and stay with me and help me out. She didn't come up because she was having back problems. About 2 weeks after that she was headed to my SIL house and stopped by to say hello. We chit chatted about this and that and then I remembered her back problems she was having. I asked her if she was feeling better and she said no, not really, but somehow she had the energy to go and stay with her daughter for a week because her husband went to a convention. Hum. Holy shit did that one sting.

Then, to top it off, we had this year. Me, flat on my back sick with a fever, needed help and she had a lunch date and work in the temple to do. You know what? Two weeks after that she headed to my SIL house to watch her kids while they remodeled their kitchen and laid tile.

I haven't talked to her since February. She's tried to call, but I haven't answered. Honestly, there's more to me not answering than having my feelings hurt. My sister has been here since the end of Feb, sick and pregnant, and swollen. She got that same sick shit that I got in January. It's horrible and she was sick for 2 weeks. I've been taking care of her, my 4 kids, and my house, with my husband gone. I didn't even have time for MY friends that I really care about let alone extended family that has royally pissed me off.

I thin she has finally realized that something is wrong with me. She talked to Mister the other day and asked if something was wrong with me. I haven't been answering my phone and haven't returned any calls. Mister was driving home from Idaho and was in the car with coworkers. He didn't really get into it, but he said yes there was some hurt.

Tomorrow I go down there. We have to return a mattress that I borrowed from her. She's going to ask me and I'm going to have to say something, and she will probably cry and I will probably cry-- or maybe I won't, but what she did really, really, really hurt, and I'm not sure I'm ready to forgive. I'm also upset with my SIL, but that's another post. Well, I take that back, maybe not upset-- ah, that's a long story.

The long of the short is: I'm just a person. I'm not as strong as I look. I do what I have to because I made this choice, and yes, even I need some help sometimes. And I swear to you, if one more person tells me that I'm such a strong person and I can do anything because I'm so flipping strong, I think I just might scream, especially if that person is my MIL.

So, I don't really know how to spin this one to make it look joyful! It's pain and it is what it is until it isn't.